With Ralph eager to get to the lanes, he gets his new bowling ball stuck on his thumb. After Ralph finally gets it off with the help of Alice and Ed, he realizes his thumb is too swollen to bowl. But it's Alice to the rescue again, reminding Ralph that he bowls with his other hand. First "Honeymooners" sketch with the Gleason/Carney/Meadows/Randolph cast.
Alice misplaces her wedding ring; Ralph thinks a turkey ate it.
Ralph gets a taste of fatherhood when he finds an abandoned baby on the bus. This episode features the first of many times Ralph & Ed would do the filling of the rubber glove with milk trick to use to feed the baby. Of course it's Ralph who ends up with the milk splashed on him.
Ralph and Alice are contestants on a radio quiz show. This is a remake of "The Quiz Show" (12/14/51). Ralph blames Alice for blowing their chance at the big prize on a radio quiz show. After, when the producers realize they made a mistake and that Alice was right, it's Ralph himself who is put on the spot when it's his chance to save the day.
The Kramdens and Nortons dress up for a Halloween party. This episode is also known as 'Masquerade'.
Ralph has a cold and Alice is nursing him back to health. She slips and tells Ralph that she took out a life insurance policy on him. Ralph has a fit and accuses her of wanting him to die. Alice tells Ralph that she also took one out on her own life. Ralph feels like a dope and apologizes.
Alice drags Ralph shopping all over the neighborhood and spends his entire paycheck, leaving him with no allowance. A delivery man brings an anniversary present that Ralph had delivered but he has no money to pay for it. Alice pays for it. Alice starts eating some pickles that she bought. Ralph thinks she's pregnant. Alice tells him that the Doctor just wanted to see if she was allergic to pickles. Ralph is disappointed.
A local furniture store is having a guess-how-many-jellybeans-are-in-the-jar contest. Ralph wants to win the $100, so he buys a similar jar and thousands of jellybeans. Alice has wanted a dress for weeks that is on sale one last day. Ralph has Norton call the store with his guess and he wins, but the prize isn't cash. It is a $100 gift certificate redeemable only after buying $1,000 worth of furniture. Alice goes to get some money she hid to buy her dress. She discovers it missing and Ralph admits he used it to buy the jellybeans.
When Ralph finds a letter from a doctor he believes the information in it leaves him with only six months to live. After some time to reflect, it's Alice that explains that the letter is from the vet who has given Alice's mother's dog only six months to live.
The Kramdems have a Christmas party, and several of Gleason's other characters drop in. This sketch is still considered lost.
Alice has been picked to appear in a magazine ad for Glow Worm sink cleaner. Ralph is against the idea until he thinks that he is going to be in the ad too. An executive from the ad agency tells Ralph that he's not the right type to portray Alice's husband in the ad. Ralph gets steamed but then the executive promises Ralph that he can be in a different ad. Ralph cools off, but only until he hears that he is going to portray someone fat, flabby, and forty. Ralph throws everyone out of the apartment. Ralph realizes that he's been a jealous fool and Alice forgives him. Running time: 9:53 NOTE: A good portion of this episode was colorized for the 1985 special "The Honeymooners Anniversary Celebration".
Ralph is bringing home George, the traffic manager, for supper. Alice decides to play cupid and invited Henrietta from the Ladies' Auxiliary. Ralph wants to score points with George because a bunch of drivers are being transferred to Staten Island and Ralph doesn't want to be one of them. Henrietta arrives and Ralph labels her a monster. She goes into the bathroom to freshen up and George arrives. Ralph tells him that Alice is playing matchmaker and throws in a few nasty remarks about Henrietta. George appreciates the gesture but tells Ralph that he recently became engaged. Ralph rips into Henrietta some more. Henrietta enters and a dumbfounded George introduces her as his fiancé. As the couple leaves, George makes an appointment with Ralph for the following morning to discuss a Staten Island transfer.
Alice is in the bedroom rehearsing for a play with Trixie in which a woman plots to kill her husband. Ralph and Ed walk in and overhear them. Ralph thinks she wants to kill him. The Nortons leave and Ralph tells Alice that he overheard her in the bedroom. She thinks that Ralph knows she was rehearsing for the play, and is just against her acting. She catches on to what Ralph thinks when she puts a vitamin in his juice and he accuses her of trying to poison him. Alice "confesses" and says that if she can't kill him, she'll kill herself, and drinks the juice. Ralph is hysterical, thinking that he is about to lose Alice. Alice "recovers" and tells Ralph the truth. Ralph threatens to beat her up, but she reminds him how he was acting a few minutes ago, saying that she's his whole world. Ralph kisses her.
The Kramdens and Nortons planned a dinner date at the Royal Chinese Gardens. Alice finds a pink slip in Ralph's pay envelope. Ralph is angry and reminisces about his 12 years as a bus driver. Alice offers to hock her wedding ring and get a job. Ralph says she should live at her mother's house so he can go out of town to find a job. In walks Dutch, the guy who stuffs the pay envelopes at the bus company. He's ready to go bowling with Ralph but Ralph would rather go bowling on his head. Dutch explains to Ralph that he used the pink slip as scrap paper and if he turned it over, he would have seen the note about going bowling. Ralph, being relieved, declines the offer due to his dinner date.
It's the Kramdens anniversary and Alice gave Ralph $25 to buy a suede coat that he wants. Ralph has bought Alice a box for hairpins made out of 2000 matches glued together. They decide to exchange gifts but before Ralph can give Alice hers, Trixie comes in and gives Alice the same gift. Not knowing what to do, Ralph tells Alice that her gift is going to be delivered. While Ralph and Norton try to figure out where to get money for another gift, a delivery man comes with a package for a neighbor, Mrs. O'Leary, and asks if he can leave it there since she is not home. Alice comes in and snatches the package from Ralph, thinking that it's her anniversary present. Alice opens the box and finds a dress. While she is trying it on, Mrs. O'Leary comes looking for her package, and sees Alice wearing her dress. She demands an explaination. To avoid a scene, Ralph pays the neighbor for the dress with the money that Alice him for the suede coat.
Ralph is filling out his tax return but is going crazy because he doesn't know what he's doing. Finally, he figures out that he owes Uncle Sam $15. The only money Ralph has saved up is exactly $15 which he refuses to use for anything else but a new bowling ball. A neighborhood priest comes in asking for donations for the poor and shames Ralph into giving him the $15 he was saving. Ralph then does a speech of what a great country America is.
Alice's Aunt Ethel arrives for a short stay but, according to Ralph, she is packing more luggage than someone leaving for Africa. As always, Ralph gets the short end of the stick and has to sleep in the kitchen. Norton and Ralph try to figure out how to get rid of her and Ralph stages a phony backache - yelling and screaming in pain. Alice and Aunt Ethel come out of the bedroom to find out what happened and Ralph tells her that his back hurts and that he has to sleep on a comfortable bed to get better. Aunt Ethel was just about to leave for Cousin Mildred's but she decides to stay and help nurse Ralph back to health. She tells him that in order for his back to get better, he has to sleep on the hard kitchen floor, not a soft bed.
The Kramdens and Nortons have just been to the movies. Alice tells Ralph that she wishes he would be more like Ronald Coleman. Ralph replies that he'd be more like Coleman if Alice was more like Lana Turner. Then Alice says that she liked the other actress in the movie better, but can't remember her name. Ralph can't remember her name either and now he can't sleep until he thinks of the name. All the noise keeps Ed awake and he comes down to see what's going on. He can't remember her name either so he leans out the window trying to read the sign on the theater. A cop comes to the door and tells Ralph that if the noise doesn't stop, he's going to wind up in front of a judge. That's it! says Ralph. Arline Judge is the actress's name.
Ralph comes home from work complaining about the food that Alice packed him for lunch. He says the food was not only horrible but there also wasn't enough of it. Frankie, another bus driver, shows up and tells Ralph that their lunchboxes somehow got mixed up and that they ended up with each other's lunch. Frankie raves about the gourmet feast that Alice had packed.
Ralph, Alice, and Ed are going to the racetrack. When word gets out, a bunch of people ask Ralph to place bets for them. When word about the bets gets around the neighborhood, the police suspect Ralph of being a bookie. Ralph and Norton panic, and Norton tells Ralph to eat the list that he wrote the bets on. Alice tells the cop that the list will prove Ralph's innocence and Ralph discovers that he didn't eat the list after all. The cop is convinced and leaves. Running time: 11:10
The Nortons have had their apartment painted and they can't stand the smell of paint. Trixie comes down at 3am and asks if they can stay down there for the night. Ralph ends up sleeping in the kitchen with Ed on a cot that collapses as soon as Ralph lays down. Norton then decides to smoke a cigarette and accidently drops the match under the covers. Ralph is burnt and then he brutally insults Norton and throws him and Trixie out. Alice reminds Ralph of all the favors that Norton has done for him and Ralph decides to go up and apoligize to him. In comes Norton, who was standing right outside the door. Running time: 12:02
Mrs. Raferty is throwing a surprise party for her husband and while Ralph isn't home, she asks Alice to hide the turkey and cake in her apartment. She asks the Kramdens to attend the party but Alice says no because Ralph is on a diet and all the food would be too tempting. The diet is driving Ralph crazy. For dinner, Alice made him a raw vegetable salad. He tries to get his mind off food, so he turns on the radio but hears a commercial for fried chicken and puts his fist through it. Alice leaves and Ralph discovers the cake and turkey that Alice hid in the bureau drawer. He goes into an eating frenzy and tears apart the tukey and cake. Alice offers to replace the food and Ralph gets to finish his feast after promising Alice that he'll begin a new diet tomorrow. Running time: 11:30
Ralph invited Freddie Muller and his wife over for dinner. Freddie is in charge of giving out the upcoming promotions at the bus company so Ralph is trying to make a pitch for himself. The only problem is that every time Ralph tries to speak to Freddie about the promotions, Alice interupts before Ralph can say anything. Alice turns on the radio and they all start dancing the mambo. Norton comes in and reminds Alice that Trixie was waiting for her to go to a club meeting that night. The Mullers go home and Ralph balls out Alice for not giving him a chance to speak about the promotion. Freddie comes back because his wife forgot her purse and, upon leaving, tells Ralph that all the other bus drivers invited him over only to talk about the promotions. He thanks Ralph for not bringing it up. It looks like Ralph is gonna get his promotion after all. Running time: 9:45
Alice is worried because Ralph is late getting home from work. When he finally comes home, he's carrying gifts for Alice and Norton along with champagne. Ralph thinks he is getting promoted to manager of the bus company. Ralph goes out to buy cold cuts and beer. While he's out, a telegram arrives stating that Ralph has been appointed as manager of the company baseball team. Ralph hears the news but Alice consoles him. Running time: 9:50 NOTE: This sketch was remade on 6/1/57. The remade sketch is the last Gleason, Carney, Meadows & Randolph sketch.
Ralph gets the feuding Dorsey Brothers to appear at the bus drivers dance. Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey make their television debut with their combined orchestra. Musical numbers include "Ruby". Guests: Tommy Dorsey, Jimmy Dorsey.
A prowler has been spotted in the building. Alice is so scared that she can't sleep, so she makes Ralph stay up with her and barricade the door. Norton comes banging on the door and scares them. Trixie comes down to get Norton. Next thing you know, the prowler climbs in through the Kramden's window and hits Ralph on the head. Ralph gets knocked out and Alice screams. The police hear the screams and come in and arrest the prowler. Ralph recovers and tells Alice that as long as he's around, she has nothing to worry about. Running time: 11:03
Ralph got a message that he has to speak at the next Racoon. He has a fit because Alice took his uniform pants to the cleaners and he has nothing to wear. Ralph writes a speech and tries to memorize it but Alice and Trixie keep interupting him. George Williams, the head of the lodge, enters and gives Ralph a note saying that at the meeting he is to introduce Brother Williams. Alice tells Ralph that he's the #1 Racoon in their house. Running time: 13:31
The Kramdens amd the Nortons are going on vacation. The girls want to go to Atlantic City. However the guys want to go to Fred's Landing.
A bus accident finds Ralph at home with Alice with his sprained thumb and he's driving her nuts. Visits from both Ed and Trixie don't help very much. When the company doctor drops in it's he who finds Ralph is fine and it's Alice who is sick.
Ralph plays hooky from work to go to a Baseball Ball game with Norton. At the game, Ralph discovers he has the "lucky" ticket number which entitles him to the prize of $1000. Ralph wants to spend it & Alice wants to save it. Ralph's picture appears in the paper & if his boss sees it, he'll know he played hooky from work. Running time: 17:02
Ralph and Norton want to buy a hot-dog stand in New Jersey, but they need six hundred dollars first. The Kramdens have $158 in their bank account, but it's a joint account and Alice won't let Ralph use the money. Ralph is bitter over this because Alice has caused him to miss other opportunities in the past. It's the same story with Norton and Trixie, so the boys are forced to go first to friends and relatives for the money, and finally to a bank. Mr. Foster, the banker, refuses to lend Ralph and Norton the money, until Norton mentions that they were planning to work their regular jobs nights and run the hot-dog stand during the day. Foster is impressed with their dedication and approves the loan. Alice and Trixie help the boys get the stand ready for the grand opening, while Ralph and Norton practice a code that's supposed to help provide quick and efficient service. Things look rosy when a customer tells Ralph and Norton that a building is going up right down the road from the stand,
Uncle George from Pittsburgh is in town and Alice has invited him to dinner. Ralph has other plans: He and Norton have front-row seats at the fights. Alice is especially fond of Uncle George because he's been generous with the Kramdens. Among other things, he once bought them a refrigerator that Ralph later sold. Ralph could care less. He says, "I'm not missing the best fight of the year!" Alice answers, "You try and walk out that door and you'll be in the best fight of the year! " Uncle George arrives before Ralph can get out of the house, so Ralph tries to get rid of him by faking a backache. Norton walks in on the middle of Ralph's act and is taken in by it too. Not wanting to go to the fight alone, he offers Ralph's ticket to Uncle George.
It's Halloween and the Kramdens and Nortons are going to a bus-company party. They're all in costume: Trixie's a sailor, Alice is an angel, Norton's dressed as Clara Bow, and Ralph's outfitted as a Zulu chief. Ralph hates his costume, though (a top hat, a sweat shirt, and a grass skirt pulled up to his chest), so he decides to rip up his tuxedo and go as an "elegant bum." Freddie Muller and his wife come to pick up the Nortons and the Kramdens and they're dressed to the teeth. Freddie explains that though the party's on Halloween, it's not a costume party--it's a formal dinner-dance to celebrate the boss's birthday. Since Ralph's tux is now in rags, he misses a chance to hobnob with the bigshots, but Norton doesn't consider the evening a total loss: he figures since everyone's in costume, they might as well go out trick-or-treating.
Mr. Marshall is dropping in on the Kramdens, and Ralph, who desperately wants a promotion and a raise, is going to extremes to impress him--he buys champagne, caviar, and expensive cigars. Norton comes down and embarrasses Ralph in front of Marshall. Ralph finally gets rid of him by giving him money to take Trixie to the movies. Then Ralph gets poked in the eye by the Fickle Finger of Fate. The board of directors for the bus company has been pressuring Marshall to give his drivers a raise, but now that he sees how well Ralph lives on the $62 a week he already pays him, he wants to use Ralph and his gracious life style as proof that he already pays his drivers enough. Ralph is crestfallen, but he dines that evening on caviar and champagne.
Ralph comes home in a rage; after driving a bus for the Gotham Bus Company for nine years, he's been told to turn in his uniform. He is incensed, frustrated, and humiliated, and the loss of income has him bordering on panic--he actually suggests to Alice that they move in with her parents until he gets another job. Norton comes down to pick up Ralph to go bowling and, as only he can, he makes Ralph feel worse while trying to cheer him up. Ralph feels cheated and betrayed -- both by life and by J. J. Marshall, president of the bus company--so he decides to write Marshall a letter to tell him how he feels after being fired after nine years of loyal service. Norton writes what Ralph dictates. His opening line: "You dirty bum," delivered with such conviction by Ralph that it sounds as if he invented the insult for the occasion. After calling Marshall a miserable low-life and a few other things, he tells Norton to sign the letter "Respectfully yours, etc., etc."
Ralph spots Bullets Durgom, a wanted killer, on his bus and helps the police capture him. Ralph races home with the news, just a step ahead of the reporters who descend upon Chauncey Street for photos of the hero and a firsthand account of how he helped apprehend one of the country's meanest thugs. A police chief comes by to congratulate Ralph, and while he's there one of his men races in with the news that Bullets has escaped. Ralph is terrified, because Bullets has threatened to get him. The cops figure Bullets will head straight to Chauncey Street to carry out his threat, so they set a trap for him: two cops will wait in the Kramden's bedroom, ready to spring out when Ralph says "Bullets, it's you," when the killer enters the apartment. Bullets appears and Ralph is tongue-tied. Just as Bullets is about to shoot, Norton walks in, and upon seeing him blurts out "Bullets, it's you." The cops fly out of the bedroom, nab Bullets, and commend Ralph for being so brave.
Alice is knitting baby clothes to make some extra money for Christmas. When Norton comes down and asks Ralph if he can hide Trixie's Christmas present in the Kramdens' apartment, Ralph says yes and sticks the present in the bureau drawer -- where Alice has hidden the baby clothes. A moment later, when Norton tells Ralph that Trixie has made a doctor's appointment for Alice, Ralph is sure that Alice is pregnant. He decides he has to make some more money in a hurry so that his future son can go to college, so he answers a newspaper ad for a Santa Claus job. What Ralph doesn't know is that the guys who placed the ad are bookmakers and that they plan to use the Santa to collect bets. Ralph is hired and so is Norton -- as an elf. Ralph and Norton set up shop on the sidewalk, and bettors walk by and drop in their money and slips of paper with the names of the horses they want to bet.
It's Christmas Eve. Alice is decorating the tree and setting out holiday refreshments. Ralph comes home with potato salad, but Alice says it's the wrong potato salad. It came from DeVito's, which would have been the right place to go for lasagne, but the right potato salad would have come from Krauss'. Ralph can't believe that Alice is actually asking him to go out for different potato salad, and he's right. She's not asking him. She's telling him. He leaves. Trixie enters, and describes to Alice what Ed gave her for Christmas--a juice squeezer that looks like Napoleon and squirts juice out of its ear. Fenwick Babbitt (played by Jackie Gleason) comes by, to deliver ice and beer. After hauling the beer barrel all over the apartment and standing around with the block of ice, he discovers he's in the wrong apartment, and leaves. Ed enters, escorting Frances Langford. Frances used to know Trixie in vaudeville. She sings "Great Day" and "I Love Paris" for Alice, Ed, and Trixie, and dances w
It's the day before New Year's Eve, and Alice and Trixie want Ralph and Norton to take them out to celebrate the arrival of 1954. Ralph, who says he hates going out on New Year's Eve, anticipates that Alice is going to ask him to take her out, so he decides to- pick a fight with her so she'll be too mad at him to want to go anywhere. First he screams about dinner; but Alice doesn't retaliate because one of her New Year's resolutions is not to argue with Ralph. Ralph gropes for other things to get her riled, and when they fail he blurts out that he's not taking her out for New Year's Eve. Then they fight. In walk Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey, who've come to retrieve a briefcase full of sheet music Alice found earlier that day in a telephone booth. They invite the Kramdens and the Nortons to be their guests New Year's Eve at the Statler Hotel, where the Dorsey Brothers band is playing. Suddenly Ralph is in a festive mood. Moments later Freddie Muller arrives with bad news: Ralph has to work Ne
Ralph has been chosen to appear on the This Is Your Life TV program, and Alice must meet secretly with Mr. Wilson, the show's producer, to discuss the arrangements. Ralph finds out about the meetings and thinks Alice is fooling around with another man. He thinks the best way to uncover Alice's lover's identity is to play detective at the pool room. He already knows that the mystery man likes Italian food and is going to California; when he finds out who the guy is, he'll invite him to the house, find a way to leave him and Alice alone together, and then barge back into the apartment to catch them red-handed. Phil Cuoco, the best man at Ralph and Alice's wedding, becomes the prime suspect when Ralph overhears him telling a friend that he's going to California, and when he tells Ralph that he's eaten at an Italian restaurant two days in a row. Ralph invites him to the apartment and then leaves him alone with Alice so he can spy on them from the fire escape. Phil leans over Alice as they
Ralph and Norton have a secret that Norton can't wait to blab to the wives--he and Ralph are going to buy a cottage in the country. They want to spend nearly a thousand dollars for it, and Alice and Trixie are immediately against the idea. Ralph convinces Alice to go look at a model cottage, and she and Trixie fall in love with it--not knowing that they're looking at a model that costs more than twice as much as the one Ralph and Norton want to buy. Alice changes her mind and decides she'd love to own a summer cottage. The boys send the wives away so they can bargain with the salesman, a shady character who'd give a used-car salesman a good name by comparison. He tells Ralph and Norton he'll give them a "modified" version of the two-thousand-dollar cottage for $989, the price of the model they wanted originally. When the Kramdens and the Nortons arrive at Paradise Acres to spend their first night in their dream cottage, they discover they've been sold a nightmare instead. The wives are
Ralph broke his leg in a bus accident and now he wants to break the bank at the bus company by suing it for ten thousand dollars. According to Ralph, the accident occurred because of company negligence: the windshield wipers on his bus didn't work and he smashed his bus into a tree because he couldn't see in the rain. Ralph doesn't care that suing the company may cost him his job because he has other plans anyway--when he gets the money from the lawsuit he's going to buy a grocery store in Jersey City. A claims adjuster from the bus company comes and offers Ralph back pay for the time he missed while recuperating and complete payment of his medical bills, but Ralph refuses the offer. Instead, he has Norton call a lawyer, who tells Norton that Ralph has a can't-lose case. The lawyer comes to the Kramden apartment, and while he's asking Ralph questions he learns for the first time that Ralph was the driver of the bus, not a passenger. He tells Ralph about a city ordinance that requires a
After claiming that all fortune tellers are fake, a fortune teller gives Ralph a free reading. She stops the reading abruptly and refuses to go on. This put Ralph into a panic and he visits the fortune teller the next day only to have her tell him that he will murder someone in the next seven days. Ralph goes into even more of a panic leading to him trying to get Alice to visit her mother's, staying with Ed and finally asking the police to arrest him before something horrible happens.
Ralph and Norton are at the poolroom, when in walks Dynamite Moran, a small-time boxer who's come to New York to make it big. He's had two fights and two quick knockouts, and when Ralph sees him punch a cigarette machine he decides he wants to manage the kid. Alice feels like KO-ing Ralph when she hears this scheme, but she's placated when Ralph says it won't cost him any money to manage Moran. Then he drops the bombshell: Moran is moving in with them. Ralph and Norton go to see Jack Philbin, a fight promoter and member of the Raccoon Lodge (and in real life the executive producer of the Jackie Gleason Show and The Honeymooners), to try to arrange a match. When Armstrong, another fight manager, tells Philbin he's heard Moran can punch, Philbin schedules a fight for Moran. Armstrong offers to buy Moran's contract from Ralph for five hundred dollars, but Ralph refuses. Armstrong drops by the Kramdens' one morning to watch Moran train, and while he's there a neighbor comes in to complain
A mob boss, who is a dead ringer for Ralph, is holed up in his apartment because a rival gang leader, Barney Hackett, wants to bump him off. Nick, one of his henchmen, takes a ride on Ralph's bus and gets the idea of somehow setting up Ralph to get knocked off in place of his boss. He offers Ralph a "job" as a top executive with an insurance company, as the pretext of getting Ralph to the boss's apartment so he can be set up. When Ralph tells Alice he's been offered a job as boss of the "eastern district" of an insurance company (whose name he doesn't even know), with a salary of six hundred dollars a week, a Park Avenue apartment, and a chauffeured limousine, she is--what else--skeptical. The next day Ralph reports to work on Park Avenue, while the mob boss moves to another hideout. Nick makes a deal with Hackett to bump off Ralph (Hackett, of course, isn't wise to the switch), but the assassination attempt fails, thanks to Norton's interference.
The Kramdens leave Brooklyn for the Bronx?!? Yes, if Ralph has his way. His friend George and his wife are moving to Albany, and Ralph and Alice have a chance to rent their apartment, a spacious, nicely decorated place that looks like the Taj Mahal next to the Kramdens' flat. For only fifteen dollars a month more than they're paying at Chauncey Street, the Kramdens can experience comfort and luxury; but first they have to sublet their apartment. When a couple of prospective tenants wash out, Ralph decides to move out in the middle of the night. That doesn't work--Norton falls down the stairs carrying a load of pots and pans and Ralph's brother Charlie doesn't show up with the car--so Ralph tries to get kicked out of the apartment by making a racket and painting the apartment in crazy colors. The landlord of the building in the Bronx drops in to interview the Kramdens, and Ralph, who's never met the Chauncey Street landlord, thinks he's the landlord of his building. Ralph does his best
Ralph wins $73.85 playing poker and hides the money in the pocket of an old suit so Alice won't find it. The next day, a man from the Help the Needy Society comes to the apartment looking for old clothes and newspapers. Alice gives him Ralph's old suit. When Ralph hears this he and Norton race down to the mission to retrieve the suit. They decide that if Ralph goes in and asks for the suit because his money is in the pocket, the society may check with Alice to verify the story. Instead, Norton makes up Ralph to look like a bum in need of new clothes. Ralph gets on the clothes line, but when he gets to the counter the man tells him he can't get clothes without a ticket. Then Ralph learns he can't get a ticket until he fills out some forms and is investigated by the society. He gives the clerk a nutty sob story, gets a ticket, and grabs the suit he thinks is his. It's not. He sees another guy about his size wearing a similar jacket and tries to pick a fight with him, hoping the guy will
Two con men pull a scam on Ralph as he sits in the park eating his lunch. One poses as the inventor of a miracle hair restorer and the other as an unscrupulous businessman trying to buy the formula. The second man "gets rough" with the smaller one and Ralph intervenes and chases off the larger man. The "inventor," Prof. Steinhardt, tells Ralph about his hair restorer and lets Ralph talk him into selling him exclusive rights to sell the formula in New York. Ralph races home for the money, but Alice won't give it to him because of his dismal track record with guaranteed get-rich-quick schemes. Norton hears the whole fight and comes downstairs for a ringside seat. Ralph figures he can get three hundred dollars against his life-insurance policy, and invites Norton to become his partner for a two-hundred-dollar investment. Norton says no--he's still smarting from the beating he took on the shoe polish that glows in the dark. He finally gives in--before he came down Trixie bet him a quarter
Alice and Ralph return home from the movies. Time passes and Alice can't remember the actress who starred in the film. Ralph can't remember her name either and now he can't sleep until he thinks of the name. All the noise keeps Ed awake and he comes down to see what's going on. A cop then comes to the door and tells Ralph that if the noise doesn't stop, he's going to wind up in front of a judge. That's it! says Ralph. Arline Judge is the dames name. NOTE: This is the same story line as "What's Her Name?" from season 1. Except in this version ends with Ralph and Alice singing the song "One of These Days, Pow Right in the Kisser".
Alice's sister, Helen, and her husband, Frank, have won a cruise to Europe, and Ralph and Alice go to see them off at the dock. Ralph is jealous and he acts it. The next day he buys every product that's running a contest--$23.50 worth of dog food, cereal, cake mix, detergent, etc.--so he can win something too. Ralph eventually wins two contests: his prizes are a dog from the Happy Hound dog food people and a trip to Europe from Slim-o Bread. (Ralph's winning slogan: "Slim-O Bread adds to the taste and takes away from the waist.") When Ralph reads the telegram that notifies him about winning the trip, he discovers that the company wants to use before-and-after photos of him; Ralph said on his entry blank that he used to be a fatty but that his weight dropped down to 170 pounds after he began eating Slim-O. Ralph cons Norton into posing as him, and stuffs him with a pillow and takes his picture, which is to pass as the "before" Ralph. The ruse works--until Mrs. Manicotti comes in and ref
Ralph's been elected treasurer of the Raccoon Lodge--he won by promising to spend the Lodge's budget surplus on beer and hot dogs. On the way home from the lodge he loses the two hundred dollars he's supposed to deposit in the Raccoons bank account. The next day he meets Norton at Jerry's Lunch Room to figure out where he can get another two hundred dollars. He tries to make some of it back by playing pinball against a guy in the lunch room. Ralph rolls up a score that Norton says will put him in the Pinball Hall of Fame, but his opponent tops it with his first ball. As Ralph and Norton are leaving, Jerry gets a telephone call--a hot tip on Cigar Box, a horse running that afternoon at the track. Jerry closes the lunch room to go to the track, and Ralph figures the horse must be a sure thing. He and Norton go to the track, hoping to win two hundred dollars. When the odds on Cigar Box start dropping, Ralph goes around dissuading people from betting on the horse. He and Norton split up, a
This is an expanded version of the March 1953 skit "Alice's Aunt Ethel." In this episode, Ralph comes home from work in a fabulous mood--which lasts only until Alice tells him Aunt Ethel is coming for a visit. The middle sequence of this episode--in which Ralph is trying to sleep on a cot in the kitchen while Alice makes coffee for Aunt Ethel--is "Alice's Aunt Ethel" all over again. When Ralph's scheme to get rid of Aunt Ethel by faking a bad back fails, he concludes that the only way to get rid of her for good is to marry her off to somebody. Freddie Zimmerman, the butcher from Freitag's Meat Market, is chosen as the pigeon and invited over for dinner. Ralph goes all out to ensure that the evening is a success. He sends Aunt Ethel to the beauty parlor and buys her a corsage; he borrows the Nortons' love seat and his pal George's record player and records; he sprays the apartment with perfume, and buys four pounds of chopped meat from Freddie to make sure he's in a good mood.
The Kramdens and the Nortons are going on vacation together. The girls think they're going to Atlantic City, but the boys decide they want to go fishing at Fred's Landing. They get their way--and wind up having to push their borrowed car halfway to Fred's. After two days at Fred's, Alice and Trixie are worn out cooking, cleaning, toting water, collecting firewood. They decide to annoy the boys enough to get them to want to leave. They don't know that Ralph and Norton are miserable too. Ralph decides he'll dress up in a bear suit to scare the girls into begging him and Norton to go home, so the boys can leave and save face at the same time. Ralph returns with the suit, to find Norton face to face with a real bear. Ralph admits he made a mistake wanting to go to Fred's and it's off to Atlantic City. This is another version of a sketch that was originally broadcast on June 27, 1953.
Ralph is getting paid one hundred dollars to be in a commercial for Choosy Chew Candy. He asks Norton to help him rehearse the lines he must memorize but ends up knowing less about what he has to say that when they first started. Later, Ralph gets a toothache. After unsuccessfully trying different remedies suggested by Alice and Norton, he finally goes to Dr. Durgom, the family dentist. The dentist wants to pull Ralph's tooth but when he steps out to answer a phone call, Ralph grabs a bottle of liquid pain killer and scrams. What Ralph doesn't know is that in order for it to work it must be refrigerated. Just before going on the air for the commercial, Ralph applies the pain killer. During the commercial he bites into the candy and starts rampaging around the set and through the Choosy Chew orchestra in excruciating pain.
Ralph doesn't want to go to Alice's sister Sally's wedding because he has tickets to the world series. He and Alice battle it out with no resolution. Ralph meets Norton for lunch and they come up with a surefire scheme. They're going to trick Stanley, the groom, into eloping right away. That night Ralph and Norton show up at Sally's house with a ladder but Stanley is afraid of heights, so Ralph is stuck going up the ladder to get Sally's luggage. Sally and Stanley have a fight and call the whole thing off. Ralph climbs back up the ladder and starts tossing the luggage back through the window. Stanley and Sally return to announce they're going to elope after all, and off they go. As Ralph is taking down the ladder, a cop shows up and demands an explanation. Ralph tells him the whole story, and then the cop gives him the bad news: earlier in the day the New York Giants clinched the Series by winning four straight games.
Alice finds a love letter in the cookbook that she has borrowed from Trixie. Upon examination, Trixie reveals that the letter was written by Ed. Ralph also reads the letter -- and immediately assumes that Alice has a secret lover. Anxious to determine the identity of "the other man," Ralph and Ed head down to the office of a handwriting analyst. Inevitably, she concludes that Ed was the author of the romantic note. Running time: 37:46 NOTE: After it's initial airing, this episode was lost. It was found in the University of Georgia's Peabody Archive. It aired only 1 additional time, on TV Land on 10/16/2004 (the 50th anniversary of it's original airing). MPI does intend to include this episode in the new, repackaged "Lost Epiosde's" DVD set due out 2005 - 2006. "Love Letter" was remade November 24, 1956 and it is this pisode that appears in syndication and on VHS & DVD.
Morgan and Weaver, from a corrupt local political party, visit Ralph and ask him to run for assemblyman on their ticket. Ralph is so impressed with himself that the pair has him believe that he can be President some day. Alice suspects that the two men want Ralph to be their stooge, but Ralph interprets her skepticism as a lack of faith in him. The Kramdens and Nortons take to the streets to campaign. Morgan and Weaver see this and call Ralph an idiot for exposing himself to the public, and it begins to dawn on Ralph that maybe Alice is right. At a rally the next night, instead of giving the speech Morgan and Weaver prepared for him, Ralph tells his supporters that he is not qualified to run for office and that they should vote for his opponent.
Ralph and Ed are at the pool hall, in a scene that was later adapted for "The Bensonhurst Bomber". Trixie phones Norton and tells him to get home -- her mother has come for a visit. This is Ralph's cue to give Norton a "King of the Castle" speech, and to tutor him on what to tell Trixie when he returns home -- after he and Ralph have finished playing pool. Norton is so inspired that he says Ralph's words should be recorded and played at every wedding instead of "Here Comes the Bride." Later, Trixie comes down to the Kramdens' apartment in tears -- Norton's been playing king and she doesn't want to spend the night with him. Alice wakes up Ralph, and when he gives her his "king" speech, she gets suspicious. When Norton comes down and begins bullying Trixie again, it confirms to Alice that Norton has become Ralph's understudy. Alice and Trixie walk out together, leaving Ralph and Norton as roommates in the Kramdens' apartment . A week later the apartment looks like Yucca Flats after the b
Ralph and Alice are contestants on Beat the Clock. They succeed on their first stunt, where Alice has to propel a cup with a can of whipped cream into a net Ralph is holding in his teeth, and are in the middle of their second, where they have to catch lemons in a cup and stack the cups while keeping a balloon from hitting the ground, when time runs out and they're asked to return the next week. Of course they will -- a 21-inch color TV is at stake. Ralph and Alice practice their stunt at home, with Norton's help. Jerry, Alice's brother-in-law, arrives with the news that Alice's sister Helen is expecting their child any day. He has to leave town on business and he wants to know if the Kramdens will look after Helen while he's gone. As the Fickle Finger of Fate would have it, Helen goes into labor Saturday night, just before the Kramdens are supposed to be at the TV studio. Helen has twins, and Alice decides to stay with her. Norton accompanies Ralph to the studio, and the show's host, B
Alice's brother Frank is coming for dinner. Ralph has hated Frank ever since he cheated him out of a promotion when they both worked for the WPA. According to Ralph, Frank's "a moocher, a swindler, and a bum!" Frank antagonizes Ralph during dinner, and then tries to put the finger on him and Alice for five hundred dollars to buy a hotel in New Jersey that's located right where a new highway is supposed to be built. The Kramdens don't give him the money -- Alice agrees with Ralph this time -- but Ralph decides to steal Frank's idea and buy the hotel with the Nortons. Ralph becomes manager by winning a coin toss. Norton is the bellhop, Alice the cook, and Trixie the chambermaid. Norton says the hotel looks like "the set for a Bela Lugosi picture," but miraculously they get it cleaned up. Their first guest is a surveyor with the highway-construction crew -- who tells Ralph and Norton that the highway isn't going to pass right in front of the hotel as they thought, but over it. It's an ele
Ralph's gonna get rich by writing hit songs. He gets the idea when he learns that the Raccoon Lodge has contracted to pay a professional songwriter one hundred dollars to write a lodge theme song -- and that the hundred dollars is peanuts compared with what the songwriter makes writing pop songs. Ralph's first step to stardom is to recruit Norton to play the piano and write the music to Ralph's lyrics. Ralph keeps Norton up all night trying to write songs, while waging running battles with Alice and McGarrity (a.k.a. Garrity). After failing at writing love songs, lullabies, and holiday songs, they hit on a novelty song and take it to a publisher. Ralph is crushed when the publisher says he loves the melody but hates the words, and that he wants to bring in a professional songwriter to write lyrics to Norton's music. In a rare gesture of unselfishness Ralph steps aside for Norton's sake. But Norton values his friendship with Ralph more than a musical career, and unbeknownst to Ralph, ta
Alice is knitting baby clothes to make some extra money for Christmas. When Norton comes down and asks Ralph if he can hide Trixie's Christmas present in the Kramdens' apartment, Ralph says yes and sticks the present in the bureau drawer -- where Alice has hidden the baby clothes. A moment later, when Norton tells Ralph that Trixie has made a doctor's appointment for Alice, Ralph is sure that Alice is pregnant. He decides he has to make some more money in a hurry so that his future son can go to college, so he answers a newspaper ad for a Santa Claus job. What Ralph doesn't know is that the guys who placed the ad are bookmakers and that they plan to use the Santa to collect bets. Ralph is hired and so is Norton -- as an elf. Ralph and Norton set up shop on the sidewalk, and bettors walk by and drop in their money and slips of paper with the names of the horses they want to bet.
It's Norton's birthday, the Kramdens are treating for a night out, and Ralph's looking to get off cheaply. He doesn't want the Nortons to think he's cheap, though, so he tells Alice to suggest that they go to the movies (instead of to the Kit Kat Club, where Norton took Ralph on his birthday). It's been a banner day for Norton -- he's gotten a new vest from Trixie, a hand-carved mahogany surf board from the boys in the sewer, and a monogrammed scarf from the Kramdens -- and going to the movies is the icing on Norton's cake when he has the winning ticket in a drawing for a television set. Ralph claims the set is his because he paid for the tickets, and a feud erupts. Ralph dismantles the set so no one can watch it, and he and Norton stop speaking to each other; they write notes instead. Things get so bad that the boys are reduced to playing pool with their wives. A bitter confrontation at the pool hall spills over into night court, where during Trixie and Alice's testimony, we learn tha
The heat's off at Chauncey Street and the apartment's an icebox, but Ralph doesn't even notice -- he's just been promoted to first assistant cashier to the assistant cashier. What a life, he muses -- he can dress up every day like it's Sunday, and take his lunch to work in a briefcase. Day one on the new job Ralph is working late trying to find a three-dollar discrepancy in the day's accounting. Norton comes to visit and Ralph accidentally closes and locks the safe before he puts away the day's receipts. He takes the money home in a paper bag, with the intention of returning it to the safe early the next morning when the safe's time lock shuts off. At home, with Norton's help, the bag gets mixed up with some grocery bags and Alice discovers the money. Instead of thinking Ralph's a dope, as he thought she would, she is sympathetic. That night, at the bus company, the safe is blown open by crooks. The next morning, when Ralph arrives at work with the money, he finds a room full of bus-co
The International Order of Loyal Raccoons are planning a trip to Chicago for their annual convention, and to help get themselves in the mood for the festive occasion they've invited the Great Fatchamara -- "the world's greatest hypnotist," and a Raccoon from Bayonne to the lodge to entertain them. He hypnotizes Ralph and Norton and tells Ralph he is Norton, and Norton, Ralph. He tells them they're at a bowling alley, and each acts as if he's the other: "Ralph" is angry because "Norton" wants to bowl first; "Norton" rolls a strike and finishes off his turn with a Nortonesque flourish of the arms. Before Fatchamara brings them out of their trances, he gives them a posthypnotic suggestion: whenever they're seated and hear the name Chicago, they'll think they're sitting on a bed of red-hot coals. The convention ought to be a riot -- Ralph's bringing a toy gun, a trick glass, chattering teeth, an electric prod, and paper bags to drop out the hotel window--but he may not get there because he
Ralph and Norton run into Herman Gruber, a boyhood friend of Ralph's from P.S. 73. Herman isn't married yet, so Ralph decides to find him a girl. He calls Evelyn Fensterblau and asks her what she's doing the following night, and she hangs up on him. He has better luck with Charlotte Stadtelman from the bus company, who agrees to date Herman. The next day at the beauty parlor Trixie hears the latest gossip -- Ralph called Evelyn and asked her for a date! Trixie tells Alice, and when Alice confronts Ralph with the story he explains to Alice that he was calling Evelyn for Herman Gruber. Alice doesn't believe him, so Ralph decides to go to Charlotte's apartment to bring her and Herman home with him to explain things to Alice. While Ralph is there, Charlotte's jealous ex-boyfriend shows up and Ralph has to bluff his way out of a broken head. Back at Chauncey Street, Alice is donating some clothes to charity and transporting them in a suitcase. When Norton sees her carrying the suitcase he t
Some passengers on Ralph's bus who have been offended by him have complained to the bus company, so Ralph's boss orders him to see the company psychiatrist. Ralph thinks that the boss thinks he's crazy, and that this is the end of his career as a bus driver. Ralph takes Norton with him to the psychiatrist's office and within minutes they're fighting. The doctor enters the room and finds Norton standing on a desk and Ralph threatening to beat him up. The doctor sends Norton out of the room and gives Ralph his diagnosis: Norton aggravates him, so he should avoid seeing him or risk a nervous breakdown. Ralph can't tell Norton face to face that their friendship's over, so he writes him a letter. Norton accidentally sees the letter and thinks it's a suicide note. He decides to stick to Ralph like glue, to prevent him from killing himself. After two days of Norton's tailing him, Ralph thinks he's going nuts. One second he looks,, and Norton's there; a second later he's gone. Ralph thinks he'
Tommy, a new kid in the building, idolizes Ralph. Ralph thinks he's a pest--until Tommy tells him he saw him playing stickball, and that he wants to grow up to be a great athlete like Ralph is. The way to Ralph's heart is not only through his stomach but through his ego, and Ralph warms up to the kid in a flash. Soon Ralph is telling Tommy he fought for the Golden Cloves championship (The Wild Bull of Bensonhurst, they called him), that he almost pitched for the Brooklyn Dodgers, that he could lift four hundred pounds when he was seventeen, that he had a glorious football career (Snakehips Kramden was his name), and that he was an Eagle Scout. Tommy writes a school composition about Ralph, and Tommy's teacher asks Ralph to come to school to talk about it. She reads the composition to Ralph and asks him to tell Tommy to stop inventing such wild stories. In the composition Tommy says he's going to invite Ralph to a father-and-son Boy Scout competition, so Ralph rushes home to learn some
Ralph is collecting money from all the bus drivers for a wedding present for the boss's daughter. He hopes the gift will mean a raise for the drivers--and maybe a promotion for himself. It's Alice's birthday, and her mother pays a visit. As soon as Ralph comes home, a battle royal between him and Mrs. Gibson begins. A delivery boy from Steinhardt's jewelry store arrives with a package that contains a watch Ralph bought for the boss's daughter. Alice thinks it's her birthday gift and is ecstatic. She praises Ralph up and down to her mother, and Ralph, who forgot it was Alice's birthday, is too ashamed to tell the truth. Now Ralph has to figure out how to get the watch back without letting Alice know it isn't hers. He and Norton come up with scheme: Norton will get one of his pals to pose as a burglar, hold up the Kramdens, and take the watch. While Ralph and Norton are devising their plan, a real crook overhears them and decides to show up at the Kramdens' before Norton's friend gets th
Ralph is trying to sleep because he has to get up early for work. Norton, trying to do a good deed, accidentally sets off Ralph's alarm clock. Ralph stumbles out of the bedroom half dressed and half asleep and heads out the door for work--six hours early. When he gets out to the street he realizes what has happened, and Norton becomes persona non grata in the Kramden household. Ralph gets back to sleep and Norton goes home--only to get into a no-holds-barred brawl with Trixie. Ralph wakes up again, and no sooner does Alice get him back in bed when in walks Trixie, sobbing because Norton has packed his things and left her. Ralph gets up again and goes out to find Norton. He catches up with him at the ice- cream parlor, where Norton is drowning his sorrows in malteds. Ralph pleads with Norton to go home, but Norton refuses. He claims he doesn't love Trixie any more--until Ralph reminds him about some of the ''gourmet'' meals Trixie cooks for him. Norton goes home, and Round Two begins. N
The Kramdens want to adopt a baby. "We wanted this more than anything in the world," says Ralph. The adoption agency tells Alice her application is being considered, but that a staff worker must come to the apartment to look it over before final approval is granted. A pall falls over the Kramdens because they think once the worker sees their crummy apartment they'll be denied a child. They borrow furniture--a TV set, drapes, refrigerator, stove, new table and chairs, couch, etc.--to make the apartment look presentable. Ralph and Alice are as nervous as two kids on their first date as they wait for Miss Lawrence from the agency to arrive. As she is interviewing the Kramdens, Ralph almost blows everything when he notes with amazement that a light goes on in the refrigerator when the door is opened. But no amount of homina-hominas can keep the charade going when Frank, the iceman, comes in with the Kramdens' daily delivery for the icebox. Ralph and Alice finally admit they redecorated the
Norton has discovered astrology, and Ralph thinks he's nuts, especially when Norton tells him the stars say he shouldn't ask his boss, Mr. Malone, for the raise he planned to request that day. Norton also sees in the stars that Ralph will have an accident that day and will be rendered speechless. When a window falls on Ralph's hand and the pain is so great that he can't utter a sound, Ralph becomes hooked on the stars too. He doesn't ask for the raise, and Alice is furious when she learns the reason why. Ralph tells her the stars say he should ask for the raise Friday night at 11:30 P.M. Alice tries to explain to Ralph that he can't possibly be anywhere near his boss Friday night at that hour. As if appointed by destiny, in walks Freddie Muller with an invitation for the Kramdens to an engagement party he's giving for Mr. Malone, Friday night--from 9 P.M. to midnight. Next, Norton sees in Ralph's horoscope that he's going to have an encounter with a glamorous Aquarius. They figure that
Ralph and Norton are going nuts trying to do their taxes. They compare income and expenses, and when Ralph realizes that he and Norton between them are paying $90 a month in rent, he proposes that they pool their money and share an apartment. The Kramdens and the Nortons move to 23 Mockingbird Lane in Flushing, Queens, and the benefits of the move are immediately obvious: at Chauncey Street the view from Ralph's window was the back of a Chinese restaurant; from the new apartment he can see the front of a Chinese restaurant. The euphoria of new surroundings wears off quickly though, when Norton spends all morning in the bathtub while Ralph's waiting to bathe before going to work. When Ralph finally gets into the bathroom he takes a tumble on the soap Norton dropped on the floor and then can't get any hot water. Ralph tries to salvage his morning with a few waffles but Norton gets to them first, causing more friction. Things are no better that night; everything Norton does--eating, tappi
A bus-company inspector gets on Ralph's bus and tells him he's getting too fat to drive a bus. Ralph goes home and checks a bus company height and weight chart, and discovers that for his height--six feet tall--he's four pounds under the maximum weight for a man his height. Later that night, with a clear mind, he goes to the monthly Raccoon Lodge banquet and eats up a storm. After the feast, one of the Raccoons bets Ralph that he's not six feet tall, and it turns out he's right--Ralph's only 5 feet 11 inches! A five-foot-eleven bus driver is supposed to weight 238 pounds, and Ralph weighed 246--before the banquet. Ralph immediately goes on a diet, and being deprived of food turns him into a monster. Two days before his bus-company physical he's about to go over the edge: even a crossword puzzle in which one of the answers is Supreme Court Justice Frankfurter drives him nuts. The next day, Mrs. Manicotti is having a surprise party for her husband, and she wants to hide the food for the
The Kramdens have new next-door neighbors--the Fallons, from Bayonne. Ralph welcomes the new guy by inviting him to join him and Norton for pool, bowling, and lodge meetings, but Fallon is busy all the nights Ralph and Norton go out together--he spends all those nights with his wife. Alice, who earlier had been stood up for a movie date with Ralph because he had to bowl with the Hurricanes, feels like a discarded dishrag next to Mrs. Fallon. Later, Trixie tells Alice that she read in a magazine that the reason men spend so much time apart from their wives is because the wives let themselves go and allow their marriages to become dull and predictable. The girls make a pact to bring romance back to Chauncey Street. When Ralph comes home the next night and finds the apartment lit by candlelight, his first reaction is to accuse Alice of forgetting to pay the electric bill. Alice is prepared though: fancy clothes, hugs and kisses, a bushel of compliments, a roast-beef dinner, and romantic m
The Kramdens' apartment is going to pot--the pipes leak, the walls are cracking, the sink won't work, doorknobs are falling off. Ralph is fed up, so he seeks out Shaughnessy, the neighborhood lawyer, who advises him to withhold his rent until the landlord makes repairs. Ralph decides to take the rent money and repair and redecorate the apartment himself. He buys a new bathtub, and wallpaper that is too gaudy even for Norton (Alice describes it as "early Halloween"). Ralph papers the apartment, but soon thereafter a painter comes in and undoes the damage. Finally comes the confrontation with the landlord. Ralph rails at him for being a cheapskate and a tightwad, and tells him that a clause in his lease allows him to withhold rent money and use it for repairs. The landlord tells Ralph that another clause in the lease allows the landlord to cancel the lease entirely, and that Ralph is now an ex-tenant. The landlord says he'll renew the lease if Ralph agrees to pay an additional fifteen do
Ralph and Norton have entered the annual amateur night at the Halsey Theater, where the grand prize is two hundred dollars. Their act consists of a mind-reading bit, jokes and a Laurel and Hardy impersonation, and a song-and-dance routine. When Ralph comes home from work, he discovers he and Norton are going to have some stiff competition: Alice and Trixie are doing a hula song and dance. Ralph is against Alice's performing, but Norton is more understanding; Trixie had been in burlesque, he tells Ralph, and has the tradition of the theater to uphold. Alice knows Ralph is afraid she and Trixie may win, and she appeals to his pride. Ralph not only accepts her challenge but bets her ten dollars he and Norton will win and promises to eat her grass skirt if she and Trixie win. Ralph and Norton are up past midnight rehearsing, and Alice and Garrity, are anything but a captive audience. The "restaurant sketch" they rehearse, in which Norton does a Stan Laurel impersonation as a customer who
Ralph comes home in a rage; after driving a bus for the Gotham Bus Company for nine years, he's been told to turn in his uniform. He is incensed, frustrated, and humiliated, and the loss of income has him bordering on panic--he actually suggests to Alice that they move in with her parents until he gets another job. Norton comes down to pick up Ralph to go bowling and, as only he can, he makes Ralph feel worse while trying to cheer him up. Ralph feels cheated and betrayed -- both by life and by J. J. Marshall, president of the bus company--so he decides to write Marshall a letter to tell him how he feels after being fired after nine years of loyal service. Norton writes what Ralph dictates. His opening line: "You dirty bum," delivered with such conviction by Ralph that it sounds as if he invented the insult for the occasion. After calling Marshall a miserable low-life and a few other things, he tells Norton to sign the letter "Respectfully yours, etc., etc."
A mob boss, who is a dead ringer for Ralph, is holed up in his apartment because a rival gang leader, Barney Hackett, wants to bump him off. Nick, one of his henchmen, takes a ride on Ralph's bus and gets the idea of somehow setting up Ralph to get knocked off in place of his boss. He offers Ralph a "job" as a top executive with an insurance company, as the pretext of getting Ralph to the boss's apartment so he can be set up. When Ralph tells Alice he's been offered a job as boss of the "eastern district" of an insurance company (whose name he doesn't even know), with a salary of six hundred dollars a week, a Park Avenue apartment, and a chauffeured limousine, she is--what else--skeptical. The next day Ralph reports to work on Park Avenue, while the mob boss moves to another hideout. Nick makes a deal with Hackett to bump off Ralph (Hackett, of course, isn't wise to the switch), but the assassination attempt fails, thanks to Norton's interference.
Alice is planning a surprise anniversary party for Ralph in the Nortons' apartment. Meanwile, Ralph is secretly planning to take Alice to the Kit Kat Club the same night. Ralph asks her if she wants to go to the movies but Alice says she would rather spend the night with the Nortons. Ralph tries to bully her into going but Alice refuses. Ralph gives in and tells her he wants to take her to a club. Alice tells him about the surprise party. They agree to go to the Nortons that night and to the club the next night.
Ralph is getting a promotion and a doctor from the bus company stops by to give him a physical. Ralph isn't home, so the doctor says that he'll stop by later. Alice and Trixie go out and tell Ed to stay in the apartment and wait for Ralph. When Ralph hears that a doctor is coming by, he thinks it's because Alice wants to increase his life insurance. Ralph wants no part of it so he decides to fake being a drunk so that he'll fail the physical and cancel the policy. The doctor is appalled at Ralph. Alice comes home and explains to Ralph who the doctor was.
It's Harper vs. Penrose in a local election and Ralph and Norton are campaigning for Penrose. Norton is so involved that he dresses up like Uncle Sam and marches in a parade for Penrose. However, Norton says he's not going to vote because it's too much trouble. Ralph is appalled and delivers a speech about the Pilgrims. Then Ralph finds out that Alice is going to vote for Harper and gets into an argument with her. Ralph goes to the polls to vote for his man but finds out that he forgot to register.
Alice gets a job in an Obstetrician's office to make some money for Christmas. One day, Ralph saw Alice and Trixie go into the doctor's office and he thinks that Alice is pregnant. Ralph goes home and tells Norton. Norton thinks that maybe it's Trixie who is pregnant. They both start dreaming about being fathers and Alice and Trixie walk in. Ralph tells Alice that he saw her go into the doctor's office and she thinks that Ralph knows she has a job. Alice sees that he doesn't mind and says that she's thinking of doing it every year. Ralph soon finds out the truth and is disappointed.
Ralph has been transferred to the night shift by Freddie Muller and he's finding it impossible to sleep during the day. Just as he's about to doze off, Norton barges in. Norton tries to help him sleep by stuffing his ears with cotton and blindfolding him. Norton leads Ralph to the bedroom but lets go of him and he stumbles to the ground. Norton gets thrown out and Ralph goes into the bedroom. Freddie Muller comes by and tells Alice that he's putting Ralph back on the day shift. Alice calls Ralph to tell him and Ralph comes out of the bedroom screaming at her for disturbing him. Ralph doesn't see Freddie by the door and starts blaming him for all his misery. Freddie is insulted and promises to keep Ralph on the night shift forever.
Ralph gets a telegram saying he's won a prize in a raffle. He assumes it's the grand prize-a new car. He tells Alice that he couldn't have bought the ticket if he wasn't able to talk Norton into giving him twenty-five cents. Alice tells Ralph that this makes Norton half owner and Ralph has a fit. Ralph tries to cheat Norton by offering to pay back the twenty-five cents. Ralph and Norton begin to fight over who is going to use the car that weekend until the man from the raffle arrives with the prize. While Ralph, Ed, and Alice look out the window for the new car, the man presents them with their real prize... a turkey.
Alice borrows a cookbook from Trixie and in it finds a love letter that Ed once wrote to Trixie. Alice leaves it on the icebox and Ralph later finds it. Ralph thinks that Alice is seeing another man. He and Norton try to figure out who wrote it. Norton thinks the handwriting looks familiar but can't figure out who wrote it. The boys take the letter to an analyst and she tells them that the man who wrote it is the romantic type but that he is also not too bright, rude and disorderly. She asks them to leave the letter with her and that she is going to analyze it further and mail Ralph the results. Ralph doesn't want Alice to know so Norton offers to have it sent to his house and writes down the address. The analyst notices that the handwriting is the same and calls in Ralph in private to tell him that Norton wrote the letter. Ralph doesn't let on to Norton. Alice asks Norton to go with her to pick out a bowling ball as a present to Ralph. Ralph sees them leave together and now has more e
Mr. Bartfeld is selling his candy store to the Chock Full O'Orange people. When Ralph hears this he figures the CFOO people must know something about a boom in the neighborhood, and he wants to buy the store. He and Norton form a partnership and agree to invest $300 each to buy it. When neither of them can get the money, they try to think of a scheme to get it. Norton turns on the radio and they hear a commercial for a find-the-missing-money contest. The prize is a $1,000 bill. They study the clues and decide that the money is hidden in an automat across from Grand Central Station. They go there and search everywhere but don't find the money. They end up getting arrested for creating a disturbance in the automat. When Ralph gets home, he finds out that the CFOO people want to buy the store not because they think it would make alot of money, but to use it as a warehouse. Ralph is relieved that he didn't buy the store, but he is upset because not only did he lose a day's pay, but he also
Ralph tells the lodge members he knows Jackie Gleason and can get him for a show at the Raccoon Lodge (of course he doesn't). He comes clean to Norton who helps him come up with a plan to get Gleason to come to the event on the basis that it's a charity, it's not, but they don't plan on letting that get the way. Their plan involves waiting in Gleason's hotel lobby to ask him for help. The scene in lobby revolves around series of exits and entrances by Ralph and Gleason then Ed can Carney and even Joyce Randolf gets involved in playing a different character in that lobby. Gleason and Ralph manage to miss each other in the lobby. On the night of the event Ralph is shaking in his boots because he doesn't know that Alice had managed to get Gleason to show up by make his favorite food and sending it to him with a note asking him to help. Another interesting character swap takes place and everyone is happy at the end.
Ralph wants to move, he finds a two family home in the want ads that has a low down payment. Alice is against it, and when Ralph decides Ed would be a good tenant for the second unit. Against Alice's wishes he gets the house and they move in only to find the place has a lot of problems. After signing a 99 year lease Ed demands that Ralph fix up his place. While repairs are under way Ralph and Ed have a big fight and Ed wants to leave. After Ralph holds him to the lease Ed tries to get thrown out by making lots of noise. Ed finally finds a way to get Ed to throw him out.
Ralph & Ed win the "Flaky Wakies Slogan Contest". The Kramdens and Nortons take a Trip Around The World for 8 episodes.
In France: Ralph & Ed get a great exchange rate - on counterfeit money. Run time: 50:00+. Scenes & Musical Numbers: Scene 1 - Kramden's Hotel Suite: "Their Coming Here To Paris" "We're Goin' Bye, Bye, Bye, We're Off On A Spree" Scene 2 - French Bistro Store Front: "Ohh La La, We We" Scene 3 - Jail Cel: "That's You" Scene 4 - French Bistro Store Front: Finale: "We're Off To Paris" This episode aired only once. This is the 2nd of the 8 "1957 Trip To Europe" episodes that are considered "Still Lost". These episodes were remade as the first of the "Color Honeymooners" listed in season # 7. These 8 "Trip To Europe" episodes are not seen in syndication or available on VHS or DVD. These episodes have been known to make their way around the tape trade circuit. We can only hope that MPI will release these episodes in the new, repackaged "Lost Epiosde's" DVD set due out 2005 - 2006.
In Germany: Ralph and Ed wander onto a Russian firing range while visiting Berlin. Run time: 50:00+. Scenes & Musical Numbers: Scene 1 - Berlin Train Station: "The Berlin Express" "Who Play In The German Band" Scene 2 - The Russian Zone: "A Beautiful Day" Scene 3 - Dining Hall: "We Must Save The Poor Workers Over There" Scene 4 - Berlin Train Station: Finale: "Music, Lovely, Music" This episode aired only once. This is the 3rd of the 8 "1957 Trip To Europe" episodes that are considered "Still Lost". These episodes were remade as the first of the "Color Honeymooners" listed in season # 7. These 8 "Trip To Europe" episodes are not seen in syndication or available on VHS or DVD. These episodes have been known to make their way around the tape trade circuit. We can only hope that MPI will release these episodes in the new, repackaged "Lost Epiosde's" DVD set due out 2005 - 2006.
In Italy: Ralph is jealous of Alice's guide, not knowing the guide is a little boy. Harry Verderchi. Run time: 50:00+. Scenes & Musical Numbers: Scene 1 - Street: Rome Hotel: "Do As The Romans Do" "You Will Always Be My Friend" Scene 2 - Kramden's Hotel Suite: "Thats When You're Glad You Married The Girl" Scene 3 - Street Festival: Scene 4 - Kramden's Hotel Suite: Finale: "Do As The Romans Do" This episode aired only once. This is the 4th of the 8 "1957 Trip To Europe" episodes that are considered "Still Lost". These episodes were remade as the first of the "Color Honeymooners" listed in season # 7. These 8 "Trip To Europe" episodes are not seen in syndication or available on VHS or DVD. These episodes have been known to make their way around the tape trade circuit. We can only hope that MPI will release these episodes in the new, repackaged "Lost Epiosde's" DVD set due out 2005 - 2006.
In Ireland: Ralph & Ed have to spend the night in the ancestral Kramden castle, which has its own ghost. Run time: 50:00+. This episode aired only once. This is the 5th of the 8 "1957 Trip To Europe" episodes that are considered "Still Lost". These episodes were remade as the first of the "Color Honeymooners" listed in season # 7. These 8 "Trip To Europe" episodes are not seen in syndication or available on VHS or DVD. These episodes have been known to make their way around the tape trade circuit. We can only hope that MPI will release these episodes in the new, repackaged "Lost Epiosde's" DVD set due out 2005 - 2006.
In England: The Kramdens & Nortons appear in a Flakey Wakey commercial on an TV show. Run time: 50:00+. This episode aired only once. This is the 6th of the 8 "1957 Trip To Europe" episodes that are considered "Still Lost". These episodes were remade as the first of the "Color Honeymooners" listed in season # 7. These 8 "Trip To Europe" episodes are not seen in syndication or available on VHS or DVD. These episodes have been known to make their way around the tape trade circuit. We can only hope that MPI will release these episodes in the new, repackaged "Lost Epiosde's" DVD set due out 2005 - 2006.
In Madrid: Blackmailers fake a hanky-panky photo of Ralph, and for once, Alice is jealous. Run time: 50:00+. This episode aired only once. This is the 7th of the 8 "1957 Trip To Europe" episodes that are considered "Still Lost". These episodes were remade as the first of the "Color Honeymooners" listed in season # 7. These 8 "Trip To Europe" episodes are not seen in syndication or available on VHS or DVD. These episodes have been known to make their way around the tape trade circuit. We can only hope that MPI will release these episodes in the new, repackaged "Lost Epiosde's" DVD set due out 2005 - 2006.
In Africa: The Kramdens & Nortons go on a safari. Ralph and Ed go hunting. Run time: 50:00+. This episode aired only once. This is the last of the 8 "1957 Trip To Europe" episodes that are considered "Still Lost". These episodes were remade as the first of the "Color Honeymooners" listed in season # 7. These 8 "Trip To Europe" episodes are not seen in syndication or available on VHS or DVD. These episodes have been known to make their way around the tape trade circuit. We can only hope that MPI will release these episodes in the new, repackaged "Lost Epiosde's" DVD set due out 2005 - 2006.
Ralph believes he is going to be appointed manager of the Gotham Bus Company. When a letter arrive with the news, it turns out Ralph has been named manager of the Gothan Company's baseball team. Running time: 10:36 NOTE: This is a remake of the 5/9/1953 sketch of the same name. This is the last episode to feature Gleason, Carney, Meadows & Randolph.
The Honeymooners: The Lost Episodes. This special hosted by different people, depending on the city that aired it (for example: Bobby Rivers in NY - WPIX & Don Bleu in San Francisco - KTVU), presented portions of the following "Lost Episodes": "Teamwork: Beat The Clock", "Pickles", "Alice Plays Cupid", "The Songwriters", "The Adoption", "Kramden Vs. Norton", & "Ralph's Sweet Tooth". Syndicated. Running time: 2 hours.
Art Carney & Audrey Meadows in Prince Cecil & Princess Sybil of Piccadilly sketch. The prince and princess appear on a British radio show.
