You think you've seen this show before? YOU AIN'T SEEN SHIT, PAL. This is a brand new concept.
Welcome to Mars, colonists! You have been selected for your intelligence, your engineering and scientific skills, and most importantly, how well you fill out that spacesuit. I'm looking at you, Colonist Jade! ;)
Honestly, I feel like we got duped in this week's Wheelhaus. There's so much opportunity for a Meet'n'Fuck, and nothing came of our efforts. You know what this means? We're creating our all-new gaming platform that's BETTER than Steam. We're calling it: Anime Porn Steam. It's all anime dating games, all the time. Never worry that the game you're going to play WON'T include dumb, convoluted dialogue trees to navigate in the eventual chance of seeing a cartoon boob. Our guarantee is that if you DON'T engage in carnal relations with an questionably-aged character after 8 minutes of gameplay you get your money back. That's the Anime Porn Steam promise! If you want to subscribe to Anime Porn Steam, all you have to do is send us all of your credit cards and your birthday and social security number, and your mom's maiden name, and YOU TOO can have access to our extensive library of Anime Porn games on Anime Porn Steam. What are you waiting for? Subscribe today.
Papa Joel is on vacation for about 7 weeks, so guess who's writing descriptions?!? NOBODY. Welcome to the new age. To the new age. To the new age. It's an age of no poetry. No song lyrics. No choose your own adventure. Only dry, boring descriptions like this one: Wheelhaus is a website. http://www.thewheelhaus.com
My plan for this description was to look up the actual theme song from the movie Cars, because I had forgotten what it was. I was going to write like a little parody of it, with different cool rhyming lyrics and stuff. Like I sometimes do. Turns out it was a song called "Our Town," written by Randy Newman and sung by James Taylor. I looked it up and watched it on YouTube. Do you remember this thing? It sucks. It's a sucky song. If I wrote a parody of it, no one would know what the fuck it was. They'd think I wrote a crappy piece of original poetry or something, I don't know. So instead of a clever, fun description, you get this: a bitter kinda-apology. Don't blame me. Blame Randy Newman and James Taylor.
The wheels of the haus go round and round, round and round, round and round The wheels of the haus go round and round, all through the town The Adam of the haus goes click click click, click click click, click click click The Adam of the haus goes click click click, all through the town The James of the haus makes edgy "jokes", edgy "jokes", edgy "jokes" The James of the haus makes edgy "jokes," all through the town The Bruce of the haus say "Quit that game!" "Quit that game!" "Quit that game!" The Bruce of the haus say "Quit that game!" all through the town
Only a king could impress the lesser nobility, so King Fernando welcomed his guests to his wedding banquet as only a king could. Small dishes of grouse liver mousse baked in a puff shell, olives from the colonies on the sea, and chilled Sicilian wines loosed the tongues of the gentry, as everyone paid compliments to the king and his young bride. When the fiddlers started playing, the guests knew the feast was truly about to begin. Servants brought skewers of goat, dripping in their juices. They brought a cold soup of chestnuts and cream, and a plate of greens brought still planted from the southern reaches of Portugal. This was followed by peacock-and-pigeon pie, and the fruit of the all the seas: lobsters, crabs, scallops, mussels and clams, salmon three ways: tartare, baked, and grilled. There was black bread and white, and cakes of oatbran, with bowls of honeycomb and butter for dipping, each to his own. Heaping bowls of steamed vegetables followed to accompany the meat - peas and turnips, onions charred to a crisp, lightly wilted greens with slivered almonds . Here the chefs outdid themselves, bringing forth a haunch of ox, rare and bloody; swan in its plumage stuffed with game hens; lamb chops and racks; the ribs of a boar glazed with honey; a deer, roasted whole and studded with cloves, with skewered persimmons on its antlers was the centerpiece. A train of sweets came out next: creams and candied lemons, stone fruit poached in mead, wheels of white cheese with blue veins, and spun sugar in the shape of small crowns. After the wedding feast, his wife was imprisoned for life.
My fellow American. Today is a day. That cannot be denied. And I declare, on this day, that we, the people of America, will be Americans. Being American isn't a right. It's a privilege we are entitled to. In other words, a right. A right that we have. It means we're the best, but I think we can be better. Better Americans, for a better world. Eagles. Big hamburgers sizzling on the grill. Babies flying. Fireworks handing out meals to the homeless. Balloons shaped like cartoon animals. These are the things that make America uniquely American. If you vote for me, because I'm running, I want to tell you that we can do all these things. May we all be blessed, because this is a thing I have to say to make a certain segment of the electorate happy.
PARENTAL ADVISORY: do not allow your children to watch this episode of Wheelhaus if you or your family is offended by the following: Comedy The rest of you can watch.
We're dicks out in space We're zooming around Farting all over the place We're dicks out in space If asteroids appear We give 'em a merry chase When pirates attack us We call up T-Max He'll shoot 'em right back in the face We're dicks out in space We're zooming around Farting all over the place
Ah, drift it Ah, drift it Ooh baby baby, oooh baby baby Ooh baby baby, oooh baby baby Ow Baby! Bruce and Adam's here Now wait a minute, y'all This game ain't for everyone Only the Funhaus people So all you Fun mothers, get on out there and drift DRIFT, I said! Bruce and Adam's here, and we're here with James Want you to play it, babe Playing by day then at night, playing lots of games C'mon bros, let's go show the subs that we know How to become number one in a hot Wheelhaus show Now drift it Ah, drift it - drift it good Ah, drift it - drift it real good Ah, drift it - drift it good Ah, drift it - drift it real good
Yesterday was Dogi-Style. Today is Gun-Dumb Style. It looks like we're getting lazy with our titles, doesn't it? I was a little worried about that. After a year here at Funhaus, and many, MANY years on YouTube previously, our well is starting to run dry. There are only so many exploitative titles. Only so many self-depreciating jokes. Only so puns you can come up with.....wait a minute... I've got it! We'll hire Barbara as our Official Video Titlesmith! It's the job she was born to do! My work here is done; I quit!
In order to train your dragon, first I'm going to have to tell you how to make a dragon. When a mommy dragon and a daddy dragon love each other very, very much, the daddy dragon and mommy dragon wish as hard as they can, for at least 6 minutes, with Barry White playing on Spotify, until the daddy dragon spums on the mommy dragons tummy. Then the Magical Love Dragonfairy makes circles and stars with the spum, and then a dragon's egg pops out of mommy's treasure basket. Then, after 9 months, the egg hatches and a baby dragon is born! That's when you, the viking, come in with a muzzle and a choke collar and a harness and tie that bitch dragon up. You tie him up! And you make that dragon yours. You don't let that dragon baby talk back to you, you're the fucking dragonmaster! Yeah. That's how you train a goddamn dragon.
Wheelhaus, wheelhaus, spinning around Playing the games it randomly found Wheelhaus, wheelhaus, chooses crap games Makes it frustrating for Bruce, Adam James Wheelhaus, wheelhaus, spinning around Grandpa takes grandgirl and gives her a pound Wheelhaus, wheelhaus, I wanna quit Each game we play is covered in shit
The guys get angry and a little racist right out of the gate this time, setting the stage for a cut-filled episode of Wheelhaus. Apples are eaten, Dark Invader fights a zomboid, and Sam Neill finally gets his due. None of this, however, can prepare you for the dice-rolling, box-clicking majesty of Steve Jackson Starship Traveller and his cartoonishly disabled captain. (R.I.P. Engineering Officer Big Tits)
Cr1tikal joins in to patch up and train dolphins, help Taylor Swift act out petty revenge fantasies, and throw Thor off of a cliff. Flash games are weird.
Bruce’s hallmarks of a classic indie game: 1. Collect stuff 2. Avoid obstacles 3. Cool music 4. Make Bruce want to smash his monitor to bits with a pool cue.
Z-Heavy stared down at the smoldering ruin that was his hand-held comp-u-panel. He had barely had time to de-jack from the sub-frame before it tanked. Shutting down Krono-tek's exo-terran missile web would be near impossible now. Back-hackers. Why did it have to be back-hackers? Hash Dodec will pay for this betrayal, thought Z, If I ever find the location of her secret moon-base.
XVIII: The blade hummed and shivered less than a finger-width from the strange man’s face. No matter how hard he struggled, Farinfoor could not persuade the axe to move. Suddenly, the man’s chantings ceased and his eyes shot open. A knowing, satisfied grin spread across his face. He casually placed his small hand on Farinfoor’s chest and pushed, propelling the confused warrior backwards across the room into the callous stone of the wall behind him.
It's really sad how little we know about the female reproductive system in light of how much we do know about arcane Sonic mythology.
What the hell are you talking about?! There is no way that "Mission to Mars" is better than "Red Planet"! C'mon! Coked-up Tom Sizemore running from space bugs with Val Kilmer and The Mentalist! Plus a killer leopard robot and General #&@%ing Zod! You're high.
Honestly, I don't even remember which games they played this week. I was completely mesmerized by James' sweet pecs the entire time. We was simply poured into that 4-buttoned long sleeve whatever.
If those very special episodes of "Diff'rent Strokes" taught me anything as a kid, it's that a kidnapping is always good for a few laughs, everything works out fine in the end, and the experience is all but forgotten by the following week.
"Peashe hash cosht you yaw strength. Victory hash derfeated you." "What?" "You think daknush ish yaw ally? Thuh shadowsh betray you becaush they belong to me!" "Did anybody get that? Selena? You guys up in the rafters?" "I wush wunduring what would break fursht, yur shpirutt ow yur bawdy." "You're who's buddy? Whatever. Can we move this along? My back's not going to break itself."
Rejected "The Game of LIFE: slogans: "Monopoly for Dumb People!" "Only Losers Have Children!" "Ow, I Swallowed the Car again!" "F*** This. Let's Just Play 'Sorry'."
You got Power Team to come to your school?! No fair! All we got were those nerds in leotards who told us to say no to drugs while jumping around on their big dumb trampolines and making our cafeteria smell like a hamper.
Only a genius like Don Bluth could have you openly weeping about the plight of Jewish immigrant mice one minute, then tossing off to a cartoon space princess the next. Well, not literally the next minute. How long does it take to switch out a DVD and lock the door?
We're probably on the same lists Lawrence is on now too. That new Oprah movie really has me in the mood to eat some peaches.
I'm your host, Krystal Johnson, and welcome to "Pick Your Daddy", the only show where YOU get to choose which man you get to spend years disappointing!
I will save you the time so you don't have to go digging like I did to only realize you knew the answer all along. I think I mostly wanted to be wrong at this point. I'm too far gone. Just like my oldest, older, and ten minute older twin brother, I too am long gone. It was Treecko and Dewott; that's who was sixty nining.
What was almost a complete travesty, actually turned into only half a travesty! With the return of Oliver and Jason, the likes of who have not been seen for 4 years on this channel! We travel through Simulation, Adventure, Action and finally Sports.
The truth of the matter is that, we the editors, are the ones who are secretly into the Rule 34 content and we are trying to incorporate it into more of our series. Open Haus Rule 34 question of the week! Dude Soup Post Post Show ;). So far it hasn't really caught on here outside of the editor's dungeon.
Imagine this, a world where everyone could go onto a server and meet and interact with others in various forms and getups. Forge friends, make enemies, and seduce lovers, all from the comfort of your home. I'm talking again about VR Chat, aren't I? We should play VR Chat.
Welcome to the finale of season two of Wheelhaus! Remember all the good times throughout the season, like the one where they played the game. And the time the one game didn't work! Do you remember when they looked up those images? Classic Wheelhaus! See you next season!
Oh. So that was it then. That was the moment that Funhaus finally dropped all that video game garbage and just became the amateur erotica review channel it was always meant to be.
Remember that one time when Moaning Myrtle basically sexually assaulted Harry in that tub while a naked stained-glass mermaid watched from the corner? This is worse.
"Why have you come?" "Do you not know?" "It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek." "I understand." "Plus there's this elf lady that I'm kinda seeing." "I get it." "She's really hot, plus I'm pretty sure she has magic powers or something." "I said I get it." "She drowned a bunch of horses this one time. It was rad. I think you'd really like her." "Right. Well-" "Plus she does this thing with her-" "Okay, cool. I'm just gonna go marry your dead a**hole friend's brother."
For the casual player, "Smutstone" remains fairly inexpensive. It's all those expansion packs and legendary cards that really start to cost you. That and the lube.
"Some celestial event. No - no words. No words... to describe it. Poetry! They should've sent a poet. So beautiful. So beautiful... I had no idea." - Me, seeing that thumbnail.
Right now, somewhere in Russia, a dozen fourteen year old Half-Life fans are being strangled in in their sleep because of this video. I hope you're all happy.
Back in '06, all of Bob Marley's illegitimate children formed a supergroup and were about to perform at Bumbershoot when the stage suddenly collapsed under the weight, tragically killing all 137 of them.
How many times do you have to ACCIDENTALLY ALMOST look at erotic drawings of suspiciously young fictional characters before the feds just say "F*** it" and put you and the entire staff of your YouTube channel on a list anyway?
A Brief Tale of Pre-Internet Adolescence: There were many balmy summer afternoons spent in my local 7-11, staring at the mocha-skinned beauties on cover of the latest Low Rider magazine. I would stand transfixed, struggling to decide if the embarrassment of purchasing this glossy wonder was worth the eventual late night pay-off. Alas, I was young and cowardly, so it remained on the shelf, waiting for the sticky embrace of another. But the tepid hot dog and two frozen Snickers bars I bought were pretty good too.
Of course they go to an adult VR site. Yes, the clip they pick to watch is video game related. Well obviously it was Diva from Overwatch. Stop asking me stupid questions.
I'm hoping the joke in the title is so old it's passed all the way through the other side of "hack" and right back into "novel". Don't worry. Next week I've got some great material about Spanish Influenza and those hoops kids are always pushing around with sticks.
I've been doing this job so long I now look at massive glistening anime boobies the same way accountants look at columns of numbers. Accountants nervously beat off to columns of numbers, right?
Once. Just once, I'd like to see Alanah in a gameplay where she doesn't mention Portuguese dongs. Oh well. Keep your fingers crossed for this week's GTA, everybody!
I'm not sure if all forms of puppetry cause Toxic Shock Syndrome, but I suppose we'd better go set Jeff Dunham on fire, just to be safe.
Only in America could Mike Tyson, an impoverished kid from the wrong side of the tracks, train relentlessly for years and go on to easily defeat four out of his five sexual assault charges.
Welcome to Casual Fridays at Funhaus, when the boys kick back and wear t-shirts that are only one size too small instead of three.
Tom Hanks gave up on method acting early in his career after he was nearly expelled from SAG in 1983 for leaving his used fish carcasses all over the set of "Splash".
Federal law provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized use, reproduction, or exhibition of "Space Caesar" and all associated aspects including his battle with "Moon Epilepsy", his contraction of "Robot Malaria" and his controversial fondness for "Galactopederasty".
I think I've got about one or two more "booty" pun video titles in me before I call Child Protective Services and relinquish custody of my daughter. She deserves better.
I've been waiting in vain for virtual reality to work properly ever since the day I got my first erection watching the trailer for The Lawnmower Man.
People like to say that Checkers is like Chess for dumb people. I prefer to say that Chess is like Dejarik for people who don't own a modified YT-1300 Corellian light freighter! Right? Whatever. Jacob appreciates me.
When I was little there was a huge panic over strangers sticking glass or razor blades into candy before passing it out to kids. That's why my mom always taught me to take a tiny nibble off the corner of each piece before climbing into the van.
Don't waste your money one of those flashy new love dolls. They're not as versatile as you think. I screamed at mine to poop on me for an hour and all it did was sit there and stare with its dumb useless mouth wide open.
That reminds me. Now that I'm a father, I really should make will. The last thing I want after I die is for my daughter to be stuck in a lengthy court battle with my illegitimate kids over all those jars of urine.
Now parents are freaking out over headers in soccer too?! Pretty soon the only sport kids'll be allowed to play is baseball. It's almost impossible to get a concussion while sitting on a slab of wood for three hours eating orange slices.
"Name?" "My name is Alice. I worked for the Umbrella Corporation, the largest and most powerful commercial entity in the world. I was head of security at a secret high tech facility called The Hive, a giant underground laboratory developing experimental viral weaponry. But there was an incident, a virus escaped and everybody died. Trouble was... they didn’t stay dead. The T-virus reanimated their bodies. But I survived. Myself and one other, an environmentalist named Matt, when we emerged we were seized by Umbrella scientists. Matt and I were separated. We thought we had survived the horror, but we were wrong" "... Riiiiggght. I don't think that'll all fit on the cup, but you can pick up your latte down at the end of the counter."
Jesus had a full body workout regimen that included circuits of table flipping, mountain climbing, carbo-loading, hauling large planks of wood, fasting, and rolling boulders. Historians say he followed it... religiously. Bwaaaaghhahahahahahahahaha! See you in hell, nonbelievers and stillborn babies!
It's odd that Swatch would agree to sponsor the Drone Racing League in that nobody who regularly watches drone racing has anything on their schedule besides "Watch more drone racing" and "Write threatening letters to least favorite drone racer".
Sadly, every high school has a bunch of a-holes spreading that tired old rumor about a classmate letting an entire sports team run a train on her in back of a bus. To those a-holes, I say: Grow the hell up. And leave my girlfriend out of this.
Don't be such a prude. In Tokyo they have Virtual Reality Sleeping Anime Girl Upskirt kiosks every few blocks. They're like Starbucks over there. But stickier.