Mike Walters discovers a mysterious online game called WOE.BEGONE. The first challenge isn’t even that hard. It will probably stay that way, right?
I think you''ll figure out what happens in this episode pretty fast. I say it over and over.
Mike meets with the mysteriously named CANNONBALL and gets started on the third challenge. What a great start to what must end up as a lifelong friendship!
Mike gets the job done, eventually. Well, it’s not really a job so much as what the people running an online game told him to do.
Anne and Mike reunite for the first time in years and go camping. They are exactly where they told you that they were going. Don’t look into it.
Have you ever had a song stuck in your head but you don’t remember enough about it to look it up?
A string of words that proves that its author went to college if I’ve ever seen one. What even is “retrocausal informatics”? More like “retro-pretentious infoSNOBics” if you ask me.
Look, everyone’s lying to everyone else, alright? Clearly, none of these people have even heard of the truth. If it were me, I would simply not lie, but I’m built different.
The episode of WOE.BEGONE was recorded on location. Apologies for the occasional drops in audio quality. You know what they say: never work with animals.
Mike has a discreet but fiery masc4masc hookup.
Roadtrip!
When one door shuts, another door also shuts, due to the air pressure change in the room. It’s time to compress your ribcage and slip under the door. This is the season 1 finale.
And now, a word from our sponsors
Mike Walters takes in the fresh air and checks out his new digs in the heart of Oldbrush Valley. I wonder what it is about that place.
This cabin with a red flag in front of it, I swear. Also, Mike makes a bunch of new friends.
There. Are. No. Talking. Bears. In. Oldbrush. Valley.
Hey, Mike. This is Charlie from the front gate. You have a visitor. Do you want me to let her in?
Learn to take a hint, Mike. If you leave a half dozen voicemails and they don’t call back, they don’t want to talk to you. Give it a rest.
Or Al, if I can call you Betty.
Who’s down for an all-nighter?
Another revelation fueled by the magical powers of biscuits and gravy. I wonder what it is about that plate...
Live from Cabin 63C, it’s [REDACTED] Night!
Apologies for the audio quality. The bug in mike's house is not intended to record in podcast quality. We would also like to apologize for Mike referring to himself in the third person in this episode. That was uncomfortable. Thank you in advance for your understanding.
I have been to the future and I don’t wanna scare you, but not only were you not there, they never even knew you. They didn’t know me either. I don’t think I want them to. It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.
For the season finale, Mike is back in Oldbrush Valley and it's time to pull off the Ultimate Heist. But please don't call it a heist. Any time something has been called a heist it's only ever resulted in pain.
Sponsor words, from them, the sponsors.
What's on the other side of the wall?
Home where my thought's escapin' Home where my music's playin' Home where my love lies waitin' Silently for me.
In which Mike has a series of extremely one-sided conversations, something that is incredibly in-character for him to do.
Mike sits down for a Q&A with someone who has a better idea about what is going on and then treats his company to some international travel.
It's okay, nobody's watching. Probably.
It's movie night at Mike's place. He's got the high-minded surrealistic film, the popcorn, an unexpected time travel incident, the soda...
We're getting out of here, come hell or high water.
Mike uses this new calm to chat up an old friend. And since the calm never comes before anything else, he's totally in the clear. Sidenote: can you imagine being the guy who has to monitor Mike's calls?
Mike Walters is walking around O.V.E.R. with his top-bound spiral notebook, using his detective skills to figure out what happened at 357A. He is licking the tip of his pencil before writing with it because that's what they do in the movies.
Put in the earpiece and do as you are told without speaking.
Well, Mike, if you didn't want that to happen, you always could have, you know, not done it.
Where am I?
This is a remake of episode 1 of WOE.BEGONE, "Participant Observation." I rewrote and rerecorded the episode to better reflect where the show is now for new listeners. It will replace the original episode 1 in the feed on Friday, at which point that version will be available as a Patreon exclusive, so download the original this week if you want to keep it as a piece of history. Thanks for listening.
WOE.BEGONE will return after a short intermission. For now, here is a song for your listening pleasure.
Again, Again, Again. Again, Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again.
Dang, I hope Donny and Brendan reconcile soon. I'm rooting for them.
Mike is out of the compound and into the real world. Where will he go now that he has a chance to stretch his legs?
Mike finally gets to kick back and sleep off some of his stress. He really takes a huge weight off of his shoulder.
Mike always gets to talk, but he never gets to listen. He usually doesn't want to listen, but it would be nice to at least have the option.
One taught me love, one amputation, one killed a pig, I'm so amazing.
Mike, Mikey, Michael, Mikhail, Michel, Mihály, Mihail, Mihangel, Mikkel, Miska...
Mike's back.
Some of life's harshest lessons are learned on the toilet.
Don't you love it when a plan comes together? No need to call it that other word. We don't use that word in this house.
Anne, Edgar, and Mike are heading into Tier 2.
An episode ~90% generated by a predictive text algorithm. Enjoy this wacky (non-canon) adventure set at O.V.E.R. in the year 2040. I can't take credit for any of the funniest decisions in this one.
Here's a spooky story from the mind of airport novelist Rafael Muslani, just in time for Halloween. It's about a woman who bought a run down house and is inspecting it for the first time. You do not need to listen to other episodes of The Diary of Aliza Schultz in order to enjoy this one. The Diary of Aliza Schultz is a magical realist podcast that follows Aliza Schultz as she travels the world and reviews every novel by famed airport novelist Rafael Muslani. Search for it wherever pods are casted.
On the eve of Halloween, nine storytellers make their way to an abandoned asylum to share their terrifying truths about the darkness that exists around them. As the tales unfold, each more visceral than the last, the nine may just discover that it is not the waking world to fear, but the horrors that lay within.
Where would WOE.BEGONE be without the support of these wonderful and affordable products and services?
It took a lot of sacrifices to get to where we are now. Those sacrifices will not be in vain.
Edgar leads Mike on a tour of the self-proclaimed center of North America
We may fight, but at the end of the day we are here to take care of each other. And to help bury whatever bodies there might be.
The New Math is starting to get out of hand.
You’ve seen Mike, you’ve seen Mikey, you’ve seen Michael. Now, from the makers of the original Mike Walters comes the all-new, “improved”, O.V.E.R. Mike!
It’s all connected. Or it isn’t. I’ve lost track.
Where are we going? This is supposed to be our time off.
Thanks to the wonders of time travel, there are finally more than 24 hours per day to get things done. Dreaming can wait. Who knows what’s possible if you break the traditional 24 hour day and set your own hours? And that’s not even the wildest part!
There are a million mysteries inside of Oldbrush Valley. Marissa and Ravi are going to get to the bottom of at least one of them.
Ornery.
Here lies Project T.B.D.O. Mission 1. Rest in peace.
Are you ready?
Here is a small sample of the perks that come with becoming a WOE.BEGONE patron.
.
Alternate title: "Two For Flinching!"
I hope you're reading this.
ahoy there!
you protest with whatever you have.
i'm looking for a fella, name of mike walters?
blind hands on different parts of the elephant.
if you want the ball thrown, you gotta bring it back.
It didn't hurt.
we're on vacation.
Mike Walters and associates are not the only people making plans.
new recruits.
I see him like that when i close my eyes.
Have we reached an agreement?
.
We're taking an intermission this week. The saga of Aliza Schultz continues. The Diary Of Aliza Schultz is a loosely continuous anthology, so there is no need to listen to the other episodes to understand this one. The Diary of Aliza Schultz is the surreal story of Aliza Schultz on her quest to review every novel by airport novelist Rafael Muslani and what she discovers along the way. More of season 2 coming soon, wherever you listen to podcasts.
I knew something was different when you walked in, like the air got sucked out of the room.
I am about to do something to you that I regret.
I feel like we ended back at square one.
I needed to see what everyone else was seeing.
Getting worked up is only gettin' ya hurt, and hurtin' hurts the rest of us.
Our imaginations are worse than the truth.
You never stop by to see how we're doing.
Even a cowboy misses sometimes.
We are making good on our deal, but it will take time.
Being the only mom and pop time travel shop comes with its drawbacks.
Nobody pulls the wool over the eyes of Sylvester August Baxter.
We're bringin' ya home, Big Bear. Initiating transport in 3... 2... 1...
Real products and services for your real life.
Season 8 of WOE.BEGONE begins next week.
Are you ready to come back?
What are you getting up to, exactly?
How many years until you and he...?
What if it isn't simple?
What did you do to me?
No, really, who are you?
I don't have much of a choice but to cooperate, do I?
Ed Man? M-Dawg?
Is this an emergency or not?
...Did I say something wrong?
This is one of those fights where everyone ends up closer together at the end, right?
What if he does know something important? What if I do?
When Dorian goes on a ghost tour in the abandoned town of Wolford, they see more than they ever wanted to see.
Mikey, Mike, and Michael sit around the campfire, play some tunes, and tell some scary stories in the woods. Happy Halloween.
Season 8 continues next week.
The local park is about to be developed and when Michael accidentaly chains himself to a tree with his bike; he is mistaken for an activist and asked to run for city council. However, MW struggles to understand the concept of each person's opinion counting, beliving there to be a right and wrong party to vote for, and that Michael is standing in the wrong party. Meanwhile, an underhanded opposition leader (Marissa Ng) hires Officer Charlie to dig up dirt on Michael, hoping to damage his campaign and stop him from winning.
Marissa's trip to the laundromat to clean her dirty clothes turns into a surreal misadventure involving embarrassing encounters with Michael The Cowboy and a trip inside a dryer to get her lucky shirt back from The Flinchites, a band of missing socks who destroy laundry.
Anne dares Mikey and Edgar to pluck Michael's new golden nose hair, which has a life of its own - and ends up getting Sly punished if the three don't say anything.
Mike and Michael work in Boris's cereal factory licking the boxes shut, but when Michael gets promoted to a prize stuffer, he lets the power go to his head.
Using his astral projection ability, Mike discovers that the Watermelon Mikes have formed their own civilization in the Flinchite Compound. However, when he sees CANNONBALL on the island as well, the Base heads into action to fight CANNONBALL, with the Watermelon Mikes helping them.
The Base travels to Las Vegas, where Chance and Shadow show a rabbit at a competition, Mikey is convinced he has had a prophetic dream about winning at a slot machine, and Marissa goes backstage with her favorite singer Texas Michael. Meanwhile, MW begins getting overwhelmed with the workload at the ranch, capping off by falling into and being trapped with Sly in a well he was supposed to have fixed.
Mike hires Hunter Hartley for a job and his first task is to transport a Rectangular Businessman to an important meeting; Hunter fails his assignment.
Too many fish in the sea? Not with a giant squid and octopus eating everything in sight. And when Chance helps some local fishermen fight the source of their seafood shortage, he finds he’s in way over his head. For starters, Michael is terrified of octopus and squid. Then Cole gets wind of these fears and he decides to go fishing... for Chance! Will Michael overcome his irrational phobias? Or will they both wind up as Cole’s catch of the day?
Aliens accidentally kidnap Edgar while looking for their third duck brother. Mike discovers a box belonging to the August's dead brother, and Matt hires a medium to settle the differences between him and his brother's spirit.
Craving attention while staying over at August's ranch for the weekend, Mikey feigns a broken leg. His ruse works perfectly when Sly and Michael are at his beck and call... until he is taken to the doctors for an x-ray.
The Base lose their treehouse defences and become open to an attack from Hunter Hartley. The gang become vulnerable to a villain who forces cowboys to clean their teeth.
Stay safe.
me me stinky boi
Like… sudoku but if you solve it wrong then everyone dies.
All that matters in the end is who's holding the gun.
I kill insects every now and then... but only if they're in the bathroom.
All of us have made terrible mistakes at this point.
I had been smiled at in confusing contexts more times in those two weeks than I had in the rest of my life combined.
See y'all at the barbeque.
You can handle a little blood and guts, can’t ya, Jam?
Mike Walters was back.
I was no longer spinning in the void.
Everything.
Let's get you out of the rain, champ.
By your logic, you were never you. You've defined yourself out of existence.
What's the point of keeping a gun on you if you aren't going to protect us?
Don't do anything weaselly, Mike.
Well, as you know, things are shaking up a little bit.
He was willing to throw some iterations of us into the meat grinder in the name of progress.
Who is this guy? Ugh, I hope this meeting isn't too long. It's almost lunch.
Nancy Drew doesn't have a gun, but maybe she should.
Nancy Drew doesn't have a gun, but maybe she should.
Cats shouldn’t be in bags, anyway. It’s inhumane.
War is coming.
Hello and thank you for participating in this survey about your experience living inside the geodesic dome within the compound. Your feedback is valuable in understanding the quality of life and other aspects of this unique living enviorment. Please answer the following questions honestly and to the best of your ability. Your responses will remain confidential.
Charlie knows everyone, okay? And I know... between the two of us... we know everybody.
Give me the hat, I've got an idea.
Welcome to the pit, Mikey. Make yourself at home.
Take care of yourself.
Nobody’s eatin’ anybody.
There’s no paddlin’ back to shore. You don’t even know what direction that was in anymore. And once you accept that you can’t make it back, you can start to quiet that head of yours a little.
Do not panic over future things that might not happen. Panicking will not prepare you. It will only make you weaker. Oooh, so much tension in your shoulders.
Tex would be proud. I cowboyed up. I did it for all of us.
Man, it's a hot one
It's a Michael-eat-Michael world out there.
Today has been a bad day for plates…
Mikey Walters, who famously loves being a cog in the machine.
I’ll see ya further on down the trail, pard. Take care.
I am nobody. Nothing is going on.
The first ember was lit tonight.
Nobody has to get hurt.
We’re going to have to run some errands today.
Being careful and trusting you are two different things.
That’s between myself, Stinky, and God.
We're made to roam.
Here we are. The O.V.E.R. gift shop. Would you like a $54.99 O.V.E.R.-branded cowboy hat?
They’re all the “Evil Ty.” You’re going to have to be more specific.
Don’t listen to them, Baby Ty. You don’t have to respect Ty Betteridge. Not even if you are Ty Betteridge.
It's Bear huntin' season round these parts and Tex is comin' for you.
The police have said that they are not going to investigate Blusteer because he is not a person. Here is my plan to get Bluster formally recognized as a person by the United States government.
There are probably more horses that are missin' than there are horses what people knows where they are.
I met a lot of critters in my time and a bunch of ‘em were smarter than me.
The other pieces around them will hold them in place.
You fell asleep, night watchman. It’s time to trade shifts.
Someone is always wondering around with a bottle of transmission fluid and no idea how to use it.
We've been in this business too long. Nothing shocks us anymore.
I may be gone, but not forever.
I am feeling your energy through your palms. They feel as I would expect.
Ooooh. Bad dog.
It might be too late for you, but at least a couple of the people in that house are innocent.
MDawg can't stop listening to modern rock, How he hates to be alone!
Tex built this fortress to hide the words with eyes, But he don't mind beside your lies.
Hey, don’t touch the Calculator Because the Calculator will surely kill you.
It is unknown to young lovers, intoxicated by spring But when Python feels its icy flames, he'll know everything.
What if sorrows swim? Good God, Tex'll need to burn them.
Even in the holidays, TXDawg can feel your burning hell, Etching up rusty maps that take you to nowhere.
Young Bluster's a background horse.
Last night Tex had a dream Troy's eyes were lit by fire
There was fire everywhere that Tex stood. There was fire everywhere that Tex stood.
When the noise blows away A symphony of silence for 38 and 47, With only dark wood to burn Well that's a fire XL needs to learn.
Troy's on fire in all his dreams, When he's awake, he feels the same.
Set fire to the caves on fire Set fire to the horse on fire Set fire to the house on fire Set fire to the Base on fire
Multum In Parvo
Equus Cum Virtute Multorum
The City of the Red Hero
Enige og tro inntil Dovre faller
Research and Discovery
The Geographic Center of North America
The Crown of the Continent
The Land With The Cold Shores
Dievs, sveti Latviju!
Seaside.
I wonder what it is about that place.
The cleaning power of VHS Michael meets the whitening power of Overnighter!
You got CANNONBALL in my Chance! You can Chance in my CANNONBALL!
There was a mixup at the Troy factory! Now there’s Ty in every box!
Bluster’s Grove: the only place where you can get Tex and TXDawg in the same person! What a winning combo.
We heard you like Mike, so we put Mike in your Mike so you can Mike while you Mike!
Human sacrifice, Nobody and Stinky living together, mass hysteria!
What’s the mystery Michael flavor? The first customer to guess could win a new car! Rules and regulations reply, see Leg for details.
This episode is brought to you by TryLeg.com! Embrace the future. Embrace leg.
Nobody and Leg: Two great characters that taste great together!
Same WOE.BEGONE flavor, new Nobody taste!
Stinky and Leg? That’s a combination you could only DREAM of!
This fan favorite combination won’t be around forever! Buy now while supplies last!
God works in mysterious ways, Mike. And he lives on the moon.
You wanted to meet the bull, Mike? Well, ya get the horns, son.
Corrections are a messy, messy business.
I'm already rich, Tex, 'cause I ain't ever lose.
I can give you a new leg. One that never gets tired.
I’ve seen Rocky Horror Picture Show, if’n that’s what you’re talkin’ about.
A song with some familiar themes.
The pilot episode for the Patreon exclusive bonus podcast, The Diary of Aliza Schultz, which will begin once we've reached our $100/mo Patreon goal. Normal episodes resume next week.
Intermission