The dawning of a new year is a time for fun and jokes and ice cream cones. It's a time for Q&A podcast episodes and trips to the West Hollywood Gateway Shopping Center for a chocolate malt with your steady gal or guy. But behind the innocence of those youthful improprieties lies a menace. A menace made of wheat flour, rice flour, and mung bean starch. A menace known as authentic Chinese noodles. You'll travel from a momentary pleasure to a prison of your own making with Satan's sizzling spicy beef noodles. You'll find nothing but debauchery, violence, murder, and the ultimate end of the authentic Chinese noodle addict: hopeless insanity. This New Year's Eve, celebrate 2025 safely and name a designated noodle eater. It may just save your life.