We found, hidden on an obscure drive somewhere in the south-east of England, this first ever recorded episode of what was to become Stellar Firma. We hope you find it interesting!
Citizen employee T. Geistman (ID 362884) is paired with new Bio Facsimile David 7 (ID 95847335). Client Nurturer 163 of the Superfluous Tentacle requests a hatchling world for the breeding of young.
PLANET - JUSTICE Bio Facsimile David 7 (ID 95847335) is put on Trial for multiple misdemeanours. Prosecution lead by Citizen Line Manager H. Piltz (ID 63277482), Defence lead by Citizen Employee T. Geistman (ID 362884), Judge I.M.O.G.E.N Presiding. May the Board have mercy on their souls. Consultant recommendation: JUSTICE
Boo-boos and Blunders PLANET - Nailed it Consultant recommendation: Go home, you're drunk.
Welcome to this bonus episode of Stellar Firma, where Bryn Monroe (Rusty Quill Gaming) probes the Meredith brothers to find out how much they really know about the science of Stellar Firma.
Welcome to another bonus episode of Stellar Firma, where Tim and Ben do their best to answer all of your questions!
It's time for a special crossover! Tim and Ben join Rusty Quill Gaming regulars, Alex, Helen and Lydia, in this exciting two-part space adventure! This week we meet Deraldio Pilchards, Mr. Squeakington [her/she], Shmerr, Commander Unal Manspray & Worshiper 2X7 as they navigate the perils of deep space.
Tim and Ben are joined by Rusty Quill Gaming regulars, Alex, Helen and Lydia, for the conclusion of our a special crossover! This week Shmerr makes some observations and things get Hot as the crew tries to solve their fuel crisis.
This week on Executive Quarterly With Sigmund Shankeray we sit down with Hartro Piltz (ID 63277482), a rising young executive and Line Manager who could be destined for great things. We find out what makes her tick, what she attributes her success to, if she has considered betraying the board, and how she likes to let her hair down out of hours. Will she survive? It’s Unclear! But rest assured we will have the truth from her come what may.
I.M.O.G.E.N. Internal Log request approved, filtered partial transcript provided. All redactions and amendments must be submitted to the sub-committee for partial transcript redactions (disbanded). This log may not be distributed to anyone for any reason or under any circumstances. If found return to an official representative of Stellar Firma Ltd. and redact any remaining memories.
Statement of T. Geistman regarding the circumstances of his assignment to, and later dismissal from, the Sales Department of Stellar Firma Ltd.
Returns and Reassignments PLANET - CAUTION, UNATTRIBUTED ERROR Misalignment detected, unable to locate consultant/clone
CLIENT - ORIENTATION No client assigned, orientation and training session. Cost for lost time will be deducted from those in receipt of theoretical salaries.
CLIENT - Kaliah Tallett Client is interested in a shrine to their mouse god. Suggested sales tactics: shouting, religious deception, surprise, platinum mouse guardians, Kicking Tithe.
CLIENT - Fugatissiman and/or Archexianniam The client(s) is/are interested in a birthday party planet for their niece, Rosie Nix (they are turning 6). Suggested sales tactics: by decree of Trexel the Mighty, exploit work/life unbalance, withhold things wanted, upselling.
CLIENT - Sales Review ALERT - NO SALES LINE MANAGER LOCATED FOR CITIZEN EMPLOYEE T. GEISTMAN (ID 362884) AND BIO FACSIMILE DAVID 7 (ID 95847335). ASSESSING HUMAN RESOURCE DISTRIBUTION…PROMOTION APPROVED, REROUTING LINE MANAGER.
CLIENT - Kaldor the Chitinous The client(s) is/are interested in a planet to reflect their hard outer shell and rich inner life. Suggested sales tactics: emotional blackmail, lean in to immorality, ignore personal promises, clean Perkins, burn down the school, shuck the client, *ANOMALY* bio-facsimile leading the meeting. May the Board have mercy on their souls.
CLIENT - Bee Frost The clients are interested in a factory planet to create their own stars. Suggested sales tactics: ignore the client... entirely. ALERT - INTERNAL I.M.O.G.E.N. OVERRIDE DETECTED, ANY SECRET HATCHES OBSERVED CAN BE NEITHER CONFIRMED NOR DENIED.
CLIENT - Attia Novellia The client is interested in a planet as a talking point for their social media posts. Suggested sales tactics: rewrite history, engage in destructive nostalgia, brazen hollow mockery, buttery animals.
CLIENT - Stefan the Mantis Shrimp The client(s) is/are interested in a planet to celebrate their ten thousandth birthday. Suggested sales tactics: globe thievery, emotional outbursts, unwanted backstory, reckless endangerment, moral quagmires.
CLIENT - Sales Review ALERT - TTRPG detected, Security alerted
CLIENT - Agent 42069 of the [REDACTED] Agency The client(s) is/are interested in a facility to train and test spies. Suggested sales tactics: Spy on the spy, Trenchcoat!, Xylophagia, Portable AI.
CLIENT - Sub-Manager Paxt Scrum The client(s) is/are interested in a dangerous location for team building purposes. Suggested sales tactics: narrative constructs, feigned interest, tedium pits, olive branches.
CLIENT - Yinly Strong The client is interested in a planet on which they can work out and gain rad muscles whilst also raising bees to produce muscle honey.
CLIENT - Ethel Unction Yeems The client is interested in a planet for the ongoing education and social development of young sentient lifeforms, whether they like it or not.
CLIENT - Sales Review ALERT - Safety protocols deactivated, external control links detected.
CLIENT - Drydon Quigley, Security ALERT - Department reassignment. Drydon, a General Thug from Security would like to be rescued from a locked security office. Expeditor’s recommendation - goad the gun walls, wait out the problem (life), try not to worry about it too much, don't get compacted. ALERT - Safety protocols deactivated, external control links detected.
CLIENT - Doug Whimperton, Marketing Doug, an A.A.S.S.U.S.S.D.M. from Marketing, would like to not have very similarly named co-workers with the surname Whimperton. Expeditors' recommendations: let the board take care of it, Whimperton murder, be drunk on privilege, feed your rival to the ground to make it drunk. ALERT - Safety protocols deactivated, external control links detected.
CLIENT - Kathbier Ninden, Office of Redundancy and Explosion Management Kathbier, a Planetside Relations Programmer would like assistance with the exponential growth of solar system destroying explosions. Expeditors' recommendation: extended noir scenes, rejection of reality, follow the money, take it to the top, take it to a different top, apply basic logic.
CLIENT - Axel Nee Juul, Legal - Blame Deflection and Excuses Axel Nee Juul, a Creative Writer in the Legal department is looking for assistance with an ongoing attack from a pack of rabid prosecutors. Expeditors’ recommendation: bring in a mediator, shake it out, smile through it, accept the hatred and silence, try the old switcheroo, j'accuse!
CLIENT - Expediting Review ALERT - Org Chart updated, unspecified alterations to reporting structure, unscheduled additions to Executing Track shortlist.
CLIENT - Gonk, Cleaning - Disgruntled Gonk, a disgruntled and mopless cleaner, would like to have basic equipment and respect in return for his years of thankless service. Expeditors’ recommendations: Oh Gonk, weapons equal respect; mutually assured hammers; obey all the Trexmandments; find out which kind of god you are.
CLIENT - Welby Weatherby (Weatherboy), Maintenance - Atmospheric Control Monitor Welby, a consistently misnamed Atmospheric Control Monitor, would like to be known by his proper name and not his mean nickname. Expeditors’ recommendations: mind your lung-bottom, ruin the meter, IMOGEN is a social influencer, heed the memo, indiscriminate nicknaming, abandon your name, weak historical puns.
CLIENT - Tracer P. Zazz Cage, The Face. The Face needs quarters not infested by space cats and it is starting to affect their mission critical work, the work of being The Face. Expeditors’ recommendations: general gushing, do not succumb to the cylindrical cats, force it to be worse to force it to be better, avoid further con…..ALERT, FILE CORRUPTION, SYSTEMS OVERRIDE DETECTED
CLIENT - Error 404: Consultants not found Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted Security Alerted
CLIENT - Expediting Review *ALERT* Line manager review failed due to absenteeism. Standards breach. Case referred to Standards for assessment. Line manager employment status to be reviewed.
Whoopsies and OH-NOs CLIENT - Perfect, got it in one! Consultant recommendation: Alright, well you do it, then, if you think you're SO GREAT!
Welcome to this bonus episode of Stellar Firma, where Bryn Monroe (Hamid on Rusty Quill Gaming) delves into the symphony of factual inaccuracy that is Season 2 to find out just how much Tim and Ben know about science… take 2!
Take a peek behind the curtain at Rusty Towers as Alex sits down with various members of Rusty Quill Ltd for insight into what we do and the values we work towards as a company.
This week on Executive Quarterly With Sigmund Shankeray we have a surprise visit from No. 1, a great honour indeed and everyone was so grateful and honoured and grateful, thank you...thank you. We find out why No. 1 is as great as they are, and they also, entirely rightly, put Sigmund through his paces on his loyalty and commitment to the board, it goes very well, so grateful and honoured. EVERYTHING IS GREAT!
After one too many Build 'issues', Enola sets out her vision for the Geistman-free future of Stellar Firma Ltd. Praise the Board...
By exclusive (court-)appointment, Trexel Geistman, designer extraordinaire, is here to help you, whether he wants to or not! Praise the Board in their infinite wisdom!
Gosh darns and fiddlesticks CLIENT - They can’t all be winners Consultant recommendation: I’ll be in my trailer... also, can someone please buy me a trailer.
Tim chats with editor Maddy Searle and producer Katie Seaton about making Stellar Firma.
Join Helen, Ben, Lydia and special guests Tim Meredith and Imogen Harris as they band together to survive a haunting adventure in Grant Howitt's Beautiful Space Pirates. This week we meet an eclectic and extensive cast of characters including Spinglewald Tasethorp, Erogenous Rakewell, Countess Underscore Starcluster and a familiar Stellar Firma character...
Join Helen, Ben, Lydia, Tim and Imogen as they explore a haunted space station in Grant Howitt's Beautiful Space Pirates. This week Erogenous shoots a ceiling robot, the Countess finds a window, Bathin conquers a strange pyramid, and Spinglewald strikes a pose.
Join Helen, Ben, Lydia, Tim and Imogen for the conclusion of their spooky adventure in Grant Howitt's Beautiful Space Pirates! This week Countess Underscore over-varnishes, Bathin breaks up a standoff, Spinglewald glares, and Erogenous asks about beef.
*Caution* Board sanctioned mandatory fun inbound. Confidential preview. Cosmic Lounge employee cabaret night. Unauthorised distribution of content will result in DMCA (Deadly Metal Claw Attack) takedown.
*Caution* Citizen Employee Geistman and Clone David 7 still at large. Fugitives should not be approached... or seen... no-one would want to escape the love of the board... please disregard the words “at Large” and “Fugitives” in this notification. If any employee notsees the notfugitives please inform your nearest Line Manager. HAIL THE BOARD
*Caution* Citizen Employee Geistman and Clone David 7 still at large. Intelligence gathered by an undisclosed line manager known only as Plartro Hiltz working with the kind assistance of Fernsworth, Head of Sabotage and Espionage. None shall escape The Board... or would want to... Hail The Board!
Consultants successfully recaptured, alert level lowered to alternating blue and green strobes. Paradrak Ngelion assigned for orientation. The client, The Eternal Order of Patriarch Hans, requests fundraising and image improvement advice to help combat the impact of their murderous activities. Management Consultants' advice: exciting new mission statement; sotto voce logo slogans; bowel cleaning eye machine (unrelated); BANG; dusky glances; self-reflecting commands; vouchers for horrifying products.
The Client, New O'Neal Commercial and Industrial Hyperdynamics and Lotion Innovations, requests assistance with unionisation issues and general employee loyalty issues. Management Consultants' advice: recontextualise definition of terms; unions are stupid; learn to love the boot; unions eat your legs; hats of nitiation; unions give you wrinkles; eat the boot; initiate ‘funchat'; hold ‘funchat’ in the backup airlock.
Management Consultancy Review. Line Manager Hartro Piltz to assess initial consultancy efforts, largely from bed for what can only be assumed to be efficiency reasons. Bill for destruction of celebratory sparkling slurry to be applied to Line Manager’s expense account.
The client, the Gademy Academy For Scholarly Hollers, is looking for budget and spending advice (ideally yelled) to help with their financial difficulties. Management Consultants’ advice: Not being a weak-necked fool; aggressively loud fonts; traditional organic unassisted yelling; more spartinacity; unclear pamphlets; misleading signs.
The client, Zeith Fel, is looking for ideas for new productions for The Diabolical Flotilla Actors’ Guild to tour in the upcoming season. She has found that audiences are dwindling for their tours across the galaxy (entirely unconnected to the entirely justifiable destructive actions of Stellar Firma) and are in need of a hit. Management Consultants’ advice: a roster of updated “classics”, react to the pretend, pretend real knives, historical re-enactment, shattered bums, execute the fool, sexy wedding, the end?
The client, Goral Throgmar of the Construct-A-Creature corporation, is requesting legal assistance due to mounting complaints against them for creating “monstrosities” that are “killing people”. The bailiffs are on the way to take their eyes. Management Consultants’ advice: lie about your address, reframe the debate, corporate bonding monstrosity, be a turgid plant, utilise the googly eyes, hot slap pyramid.
The Client Corthinos the Perplexed of the Placaters of Planetary Puzzles is requesting assistance due to the increasingly puzzling planets created by Stellar Firma Ltd. making it impossible to placate their deeply confused owners. Management Consultants’ advice: deploy the Puzzlemaster, bake the active yeast, eat the chard, designatory japes, bring the knowledge bus pass, PUZZLEDOG!, pack your jorts, embarrass your way to success, hide things in hair, eat the pretzel of death.
After an unscheduled visit from Fern Creature, Line Manager Hartro Piltz assesses ongoing consultancy efforts. Line manager also conducts basic interrogation resistance training with variable success.
A client who would prefer to maintain their anonymity (known only as Scarlette) is looking for advice on at what point below board transactions spill over into full blown space piracy. Records also indicate that consultants were joined by Vice Admiral Fun for motivational support reasons. Management Consultants’ advice: imaginary gifts of pity, make sad horse glue, moral quandary anaphylaxis, party games, mind balloons, elephant husbandry, flamboyant piracy in the name of the board, space parties.
The Time Management division would like help with the many dangerous time pockets that are created in the day-to-day product of planets. This will improve safety, productivity, and much more importantly cut down on staff overtime. Management Consultants’ advice: Laser Hawkapult TM, public/private money vortex, honk snakes, hammer forms, Board cans, SPLT treaties, girthy brain, strategic black-holes, time = gravity (no arguments), time annex, countdownium, TimeBots.
Antoinette-Marie of The Happy Earth Zoo is having issues with knowing which of her animals are going to maul or eat visitors to the Zoo, or failing that, how not to be held responsible. Management Consultants’ advice: Burn down the zoo, disclaimers, hug-chomp Venn diagram, check the face for chompers, sub-Trexel sizing, poison?, lovely eyes, keep-away sticks, out-of-sight pit, have three tables, safety holes everywhere.
The Supreme Blagwith is finding that The Supreme Blagwith’s worshipper-employees are not dying fast enough due to concerns of “not wanting to be dead” and The Supreme Blagwith would like advice on how to make The Supreme Blagwith’s worshipper-employees die more efficiently. Management Consultants’ advice: A big grinder, tenants following the tenets of tennis, fright market activity FUTHER REPORT REDACTED BY LINE MANAGER HARTRO PILTZ
Line Manager Hartro Piltz proposes a fundamental change to team structure in response to non-specified performance-related issues during routine inquisitation and bequestionment.
Stefan Beetlevox, Head Bartender of The Cosmic Lounge, is concerned about a downturn in sales and would like advice on regaining market share. Management Consultants’ advice: musical mind parasites, targeted smear rapping, knives, branded graph friends (coasters), wider vents, remove facial recognition, more customer hierarchy and teen novel angst.
Makvala Agryris is a representative of CRISPR, a company that re-animates pets for their owners but have been too successful in developing the cognitive abilities of their customers' creatures. They require advice as to how to keep their customers happy now that the pets are showing a desire to build up military might. Management Consultants’ advice: activate Lounge Mode, hold hands, bathroom intelligences, big pointless novels, fully visible globes, communicate using maddening animal sounds, animal control orbs.
Count Eugenia Rutalowska of the Count's Corporeal Carpet Cleaning Company needs assistance due to a logistical mishap i.e. instead of carpet cleaner they now have cabernet. Management Consultants’ advice: sass, backchat, no brain socks, mean puppets, nude hands, onesies only, give glove puppets a chance, competitive hate, pop up bar experience, cabernet clubhouse, mash pope, canyams, reward slides.
Alisón Prince-Bruleé of the Intergalactic Coalition of Toaster Repair Excellence Acknowledgement Board is receiving a huge number of submissions, due to the ambiguous classification of what is and is not a toaster. They need help either with narrowing the definition or with improving the systems that deal with the submissions. Management Consultants’ advice: tumble your head, drawings of toasters, cut off your won arm, hidden threats, toaster disarmament, mutually assured confusion.
Line Manager Hartro Piltz conducts an entirely impartial self-assessment of the team to ascertain how well they think they have done. The results may shock you - or not - but regardless, all assessments are final once signed off by a line manager.
Head of Ballistics Akteraks is providing introductory training to the new Senior Consultants for Business Warfare. Yula Nozz has informed us that Pokey & Beam Space Law is looking to organise a class action space suit (different to a spacesuit) against Stellar Firma Ltd, in order to prevent it from damaging the natural planetary development of the universe any further. Strategic War Plan: immediately abandon mediation; vomit; dramatic irony; door to door violence; lick the handles; hidden hover cat leavings; veiled threats.
Gloreetaa, copyright lawyer, has informed us that The Discoballers are menacing any company involved in the production of spheres, as they claim they have copyright. Strategic War Plan: a fifth column of legal bees; quandary camp songs for morale; fire; funk antithesis; therapists (assassins(?)); sympathetic fireworks; talk to Terry.
Penelope Dorp has informed us that The Weavers of the Grand Mum Guild, purveyors of the finest of mass produced Knitware have started making hostile plans against Stellar Firma for refusing lucrative Knitware tie-in deals and encouraging people towards warmer, sunnier, non-sweater-based holidays. Strategic War Plan: discover selfish empathy; totally don’t side with the enemy; welcome a woollen god; candy handbag diplomacy; judgmental moth snobs; faux carboard moth rocket; creative encyclopaedia editing.
Micro-invertebrate 32-SDJ-6962 is informing on Tardigrades, just in general, as the Tardigrades feel that Stellar Firma’s many construction projects destroy many of their micro-invertebrate farms. Given their incredible ability to survive almost any environment they surely pose a threat. Strategic War Plan: give up and surrender - the Tardigrades are our new leaders *CAUTION CAUTION SEDITION SEDITION* false alarm... just a play; coat ourselves in honey; milk the big bee; don’t sell Trexel a baby carrier.
*CAUTION* Stakeholders meeting called. All other activities immediately cancelled. Line Managers, return to your teams for observation and preparation for Stakeholder announcements.
Wonderful and terrible news! The Shareholders are meeting to elect a new member of The Board for the first time in our glorious history. For your safety and enjoyment, you are reminded to remain in your quarters at all times until notified otherwise.
What did we edit out of the first half of season 3? Listen and learn...
Welcome to this bonus episode of Stellar Firma, where, once again, Bryn Monroe (Hamid on Rusty Quill Gaming) finds out just how much Tim and Ben know about science… This is part one - enjoy!
A look at the number one David 7 audio blog! He's got the facts! Today's Fact: the Universe's Tallest Structure. Researched, written & narrated by David 7. Recorded by I.M.O.G.E.N.
What did we edit out of the second half of season 3? Listen and learn...
Welcome to this bonus episode of Stellar Firma, where, once again, Bryn Monroe (Hamid on Rusty Quill Gaming) finds out just how much Tim and Ben know about science. This is part two, in which we delve into the notorious episode 62...
[parts 1-3 are available exclusively on Rusty Quill’s Patreon] Trexel Geistman's Unarguable History of the Earth is your one-stop shop for all the indisputable ins and outs of Earth's forgotten past. Come help us prop up the bar and drink up the education! Today we learn about: The English Civil War. Recorded live on location at the Astral Bar.
So they created Stellar Firma, but how well do Tim and Ben really know the show? Better than the show's producer and editor? Better than the show's audience? Let's find out, shall we...? Maddy and Katie ask Ben and Tim fifteen searching questions about the world of Stellar Firma.
Stellar Firma's interstellar scout ship, the Conglomerate Merger, is returning from a mysterious mission, but soon the crew is interrupted by an enemy force. Will they manage to survive the onslaught? Will they even manage to leave the room? Listen and find out!
Rhys Tirado, reporter for the Quarterly Frequency Botherers Digest, has been given unrestricted access to the creative minds behind the phenomenon that is Stellar Firma, and finds out what makes them go "tick tock, tick tock, ring ring, genius time".
Geistman Productions proudly presents: Time Bots! "Sometimes a Time Bot has to play by the rules... without that, we are no better than a bunch of sundials."
Hi, kids! Is it vice? Is it admiral? Is it fun? Then it's Vice-Admiral Fun's Happy Fun Time Vice Hour! Hooray!
For Board's sake, no one tell David 7 about the fourth wall.
No one understands Hartro and her world...