Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

It is a tale as old as time: four turtles are exposed to a mutagen and grow up to annoy the living crap out of every adult within earshot. They form distinct, marketable personalities and headband colors: nerd, joker, leader who seems to not grasp that a long sharp sword can actually cut things, and cool but rude.* Then, when a major entertainment conglomerate deems it long enough since the last movie to be financially prudent, they emerge from the sewers and onto the silver screen. Occasionally Splinter makes a funny. This iteration was not without controversy, however! Turtles fans were outraged when Witwicky love interest Megan Fox was cast as April O’Neil. Many complained that she was completely wrong for the role, and that the only true April O’Neil was Judith Hoag, Paige Turco, Renae Jacobs, Veronica Taylor, or perhaps Sarah Michelle Gellar. Fortunately, Ms. Fox delivers a subtly nuanced performance, and is often the most realistic looking thing on screen. Mike, Kevin, and Bill take on the winner of our “Worst Movie of 2014” poll, TMNT! *It has come to our attention that there is a faction who interpret the theme song lyrics as “Raphael is cool but crude.” These people are literally worse than everyone who was tried at Nuremberg combined.