The One Man Band: Mortal Kombat

Do you remember all the love and giddiness that broke out after Super Mario Bros. and Street Fighter came out? No, not the video games, the movies. Wait, I'm sorry I mentioned those. Stop crying, please, I didn't mean it. Anyway, as Mortal Kombat shows, no beloved video game property is safe from the reach of Hollywood. The spine-ripping, head-popping, ESRB-creating fighting game series comes to the movies with a PG-13 rating...not because they toned down the violence, but to spare young children from the ham thrown onscreen by a powder-wigged Christopher Lambert (who clearly was born to play a Chinese thunder god). The One Man Band once again rolls up his sleeves, throws a few well-timed kicks*, and sends this monster back to Outworld where it belongs. At the end, only one of these titans will be left standing. Place your bets now. *Yes, I am fully aware that I could have made so many Balls of Fury jokes. However, Christopher Walken has been seen in my neighborhood lately, and I'd prefer to avoid his wrath.** **If Christopher Walken is reading this, hello. I'm sure you're a very nice guy. Please don't kill me.