Jumper

Anywhere – provided it's one of five budgeted locales – is possible. That's the staggering reality for chronic douche canoe David "Rice Bowl" Rice (the second worst Anikan) and all "jumpers" like him. For millennia, they've lived among us, teleporting from point A to B, acting like C's and D's. Using this power, David robs banks and ruins lives all across the globe. However, only so much filming can go on before Samuel L Jackson shoves his way into the story, and soon David find himself staring down the tooting end of an electric-steel-cable-shooting clarinet! As it turns out, "paladins" have been hunting jumpers since medieval times. They have more success now with their clarinets than they did with their spears (which they presumably just waved around in hopes of a jumper appearing around the sharp end), but fortunately for David, they mistakenly think the movie is rated PG, and won't use guns. Can he, a guy who can literally teleport anywhere in the world, escape a guy in a rental car? Will David's love interest Millie interest anybody? And most importantly, can David convince the audience that Sam Jackson is the villain, even though it's clearly David? The answers to these questions will be cheaply, artlessly, and incompetently answered in Doug Limon's career's suicide note, Jumper!