The author of this deconversion series had been a closet atheist for some time and only a handful of people knew about this. He still attended church; he clapped and sang during worship along with everyone else. Outwardly nothing had changed but behind the mask he was frustrated. When the pastor asked if his words made sense what he really wanted to do was scream: "No they made absolutely no sense. I'm standing here in full-blown apostasy and your God doesn't have a clue."