Nick has some good ole fashioned Ninja Turtle sex, and he and Tim convince Jared to join an online dating service so he can be so lucky.
The boys go upstairs for a movie night with their neighbors, (guest stars Catie Humphreys, Julia Harkey and Casey Trascik). Jared's into Catie, or whatever her character's name is. It's not like real life.
Jared is meeting his next AlrightyAphrodite date, and Tim decides to Cyrano De Bergerac for him. You know how sometimes you name an episode a little too on-the-nose, and then that's just what you call it during production meetings and such for months, until it's time to air it, and then you have to think of a more clever title to the thing, but it's pretty much locked in your brain that way now, and just watch the episode and maybe not worry so much about that.
LAST TIME ON JARED POSTS A PERSONAL: Nothing related to this episode happened. But imagine there was an episode where Jared follows this girl all over town, trying to hook up with her. The gang tags along too, because when you call your cast 'the gang' it makes your show better and also because those episodes of Girls with just Lena are absolute garbage.
The trouble with having casual sex is that it brings up a lot of questions. Questions like, "What gender are you?" or "Why is my best friend tied up in your apartment?" and "You charge what, now!? I'm sorry there's been a misunderstanding." Questions like that.
The boys secretly enter Jared in the Bushwick Dating Game and Improv Show, which is obviously a nightmare. But they also trick him into wearing a suit. The suit doesn't fit, because Jared is fat. It's a funny joke we do, Jared being fat. Anyway, The Greg is also at the party, and you don't know him yet, but he's a life ruiner, and the girl up for a date has met Nick before (sorta). All and all, there's a lot for Jared to deal with in the Season One Finale of Jared Posts A Personal.
Think about this: If you post a missed connection ad multiple times, but are purposely vague, won't your chances of meeting at least someone drastically increase? The answer is no; nobody answers those things, and you should learn to just talk to people. Because you have value as a person. But this is a fictitious ha-ha storytime laugh display, so Season two begins as a mysterious woman approaches Jared outside a bar, late at night...
We join Jared and his cohorts at 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon as they stroll into a bar which is not at all a sad thing because they probably had the day off or something completely reasonable. Anyway, they stumble across Walter who is hopelessly planning some sort of weird speed dating event that they of course get lured into because what kind of episode would it be if they didn't?
There's only one difference between a take and a bust, and that's how fast you can play your mark. But don't get restless out there, 'cause one wrong move and you're in the clink for 6-9 for standing by your crew on a job you thought was raw all along. After all, loyalty is for suckers and heroes, and you're neither. Which is why when Jared's estranged, yet rich, sister Linette asks him to dog-sit, it's like hearing that old song again, but twice as loud and half as fast. Only this time the stakes are as high as the payout, 'cause for the first time, it's the last time. One last pull to make everything right, keep the past behind you, right boys? Well you can't always outrun the past, Jared, Nick and Tim. But sometimes, you gotta try; just to feel the wind at your back, if only for a moment. After all, life's a choice, and every choice is a moment and every moment is chance, and every chance is a chance. Also something about dating or something maybe. I dunno, we're having fun.
Existential crises can be a real blast, especially when you're the person having one while sitting in your parents' damp and poorly lit basement, in which you live, at the age of 45. They are slightly less fun when it's your best friend doing all the crisising smack in the middle of what you desperately want to be a date with a girl that everyone pretty much knows you're going to end up with in the end anyway. If this all sounds emotionally exhausting, that's because it is...but that doesn't change the fact that Jared and Nick have to deal with it regardless. Not only does Nick come the realization that his life has been nothing but a series of meaningless and disgusting trysts, but Jared's hair seems to be having a troubles of its own. Seriously, Brooklyn is lousy with apprentice hair stylists desperate for the experience and THAT'S the best he could do?
Threesome. A Triple Axel. The Ole' Hat Trick. A Triumvirate. The Great. White. Whale. A Hope Diamond. The Lost City of Atlantis! Wait, what are we talking about? Oh right, that sex thing that never happens, to anyone, ever. Oh, sure, maybe some of you youngin's have drunkenly fumbled your way into a terribly awkward next-morning brunch, but let's be honest, once you're over 25, you're Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon, too old for this sh*t. So when an alluring trainwreck of a person starts making eyes at Jared and his new girlfriend, they don't pay her any attention at all and just get out of there. Oh, wait, no, they're going for it, obviously; this is a show where things happen. I guess high blood pressure isn't enough to keep the True of Heart from chasing a dream rainbow on the wings of a unicorn, but just keep your head on a swivel, Jared, cause the only thing that's certain out there is that everyone who's ever said "I had a threesome" is a liar. "From hells heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee." -Khan Noonien Singh, Star Trek II The Wrath Of Khan. Or something.
This is the season finale of Jared Posts A Personal season 2. This is a true story.